To define a great hero, he must face a worthy adversary. Ali is the greatest because he faced and beat Foreman. England took down a formidable Australian side in the 2005 Ashes. The 1974 German side beat the Dutch exponents of Total Football, Cruyff included.
Beating this group of absolute no-hopers, however, proves nothing. Not fit to be on the same page as Batman or Spider-Man, here are the best of the worst 'supervillains'. Even Audley Harrison would have fancied his chances.
Kite Man (Batman)
Kite Man was flawed from the start, in that choosing such an unweildy method of transport left him open to freak gusts of wind. If that wasn't enough, his costume colour was pink. And if that wasn't enough, his method of attack was to throw kites at people. That didn't even hurt in primary school. Utterly useless, and met his end by falling off a tower (without his kite), somehow surviving, but then being eaten in jail. It served him right.
The Hypno-Hustler (Spiderman)
Whoever came up with this baddie was clearly on as many drugs as George Clinton was. The Hypno-Hustler, along with his backing singers, The Mercy Killers, utilised the power of disco to hypnotise his fans and then rob them. To be fair, the 8 and a half minute long version of Boogie Wonderland is pretty mesmerising, but hypnotic? We don't think so. Perhaps he should have played trance instead...
Crazy Quilt (Batman)
Looking like he was getting ready to go to Gatecrasher on a Saturday night, Crazy Quilt is possibly the least conspicuous villain of all time. After an accident to his eyes, his vision is altered so that he can only see blindingly vivid and disorienting colours. So naturally he then designs himself a dayglo suit. Why didn't he just wear black?
Fisherman (Aquaman)
Aquaman was a pretty bad superhero concept in the first place - after all, EU regulations are already in place to protect fish, we don't need a man in green underpants to help. But when Aquaman required a formidable opponent, surely they could have done better than Fisherman? He might have had specialised lures and rods, but then, so does Bob Nudd, and he is definitely not our idea of an evil villain.
Polka Dot Man (Batman)
Let's face it, there's nothing scary about Polka Dots, unless you count Timmy Mallet's singing. And, sure enough, Polka Dot Man was a truly lame supervillain, using his dots as weapons to attack the caped crusaders. Polka Dot Man was foiled when Batman spotted that his crimes were occurring in a join-the-dots pattern around Gotham City, so he simply waited for the last dot in the puzzle before taking him down. As effective a villain as Dot Cotton.
Turner D. Century (Captain America)
Whilst we applaud such a punning title (Private Eye's Pseudo Names would agree), Turner was, without doubt, one of the worst villains ever. Boasting no inherent superpowers, he was disturbed by the degeneration of manners and social customs, and aimed to return things to the past. Basically a grumpy old man who thought things were better in his day. His best weapon was a horn, which was supposed to kill all people under the age of 65. But it didn't work.
Calender Man (Batman)
An utterly ridiculous supervillain (in the loosest sense of the word), Calender Man gives the game away a little with his name; he is fixated on dates and coincides his crimes with certain holidays through the year. Of course, this means it's pretty easy to guess when he's going to strike. And with that stupid costume you could see him coming a mile off too. Did he think this through at all?
Paste Pot Pete (Fantastic Four)
When Pete renamed himself The Trapster, it was a tacit admission that even he knew how rubbish his first incarnation was. But we're not gonna let him forget those early days as a laughable paste-firing idiot whose main weapon was some industrial strength Copydex. At least he changed his name before he met a sticky end, we suppose...
Matador (Daredevil)
A famous Spanish bull-fighter who turned to evil after his fans turned against him, the Matador was supposed to be a feared supervillain, but we just don't buy it. We can understand that waving a big red cape around might confuse a bull. But are we really expected to believe that humans would get confused and disoriented simply by a piece of fabric? Well, actually, there's always Mario Balotelli....
Condiment King (Batman)
A brilliantly terrible supervillain, Condiment King used mustard and ketchup, amongst others, as his main weapons. His only real danger came from the possibility of causing anaphylactic shock in his victim, who would have to a) be pretty unlucky to be hit by a nut-based product and b) have forgotten to bring their epipen out that day. Useful only for his potential as a punning device: frequently guilty of as-salt, you can't ketchup with him...even despite that he just doesn't cut the mustard for us.
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