Morrissey Has Written About Sex And It's The Worst Thing Ever

Before we go on, let's get one thing clear.

We love the Mozzfather. As a lyricist, frontman, singer - untouchable, both as a member of The Smiths and on much of his solo work. But, Mozz, come on mate, what on earth is going on here?

The singer is preparing to release his debut novel, List of the Lost, about, of course, a sports relay team consumed by demons, and it's received one of the most scathing reviews of all-time in The Guardian, with critic Michael Hann castigating its apparent lack of editing, its poorly-written dialogue, his obsession with settling old scores - even in a fiction world.

But - the coup de gras - nothing quite prepared us for Morrissey's attempt at writing a sex scene. Steady yourselves.

“Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it smacked its way into every muscles of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.”

"Bulbous salutation".

We've never heard it called that before. Maybe he's just too original for us? And it's one continuous, toe-curling sentence?!

Best stick to the day job Mozzer.

List Of The Lost is out now

(Image: Rex)