10 Things Nobody Tells You Will Happen When You Plan A Wedding

Related: 10 Things Nobody Will Tell You About Becoming A Dad

Prosecco on offer in the Co-op? Queues of hapless best men outside Moss Bros? Instagram full of photo booth snaps?

Sniff, sniff… yup… smells like wedding season’s arrived. With his own nuptials just weeks away, here’s a few unexpected things Si Cunningham has learnt about  plotting the biggest day of your life… 

Making a seating plan is like playing the board game Risk

As you stand over a massive piece of A3 paper, shuffling the names of your nearest and dearest around, it’s amazing how you start to feel like a despot plotting a political coup. We didn’t have the budget for a table magician, so we’ve just sat someone with ‘forthright views’ on immigration next to a Green Party voter. That should provide more than enough entertainment after the second bottle of Rioja.

Every episode of ‘Don’t Tell The Bride’ is the same

As well as every single ‘Four Weddings’ and ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ for that matter. You get the occasional gem where some chowder-head decides to try and have a wedding on the site of the Fukushima nuclear power plant, or whatever, but otherwise it’s the same plot. PS, if anyone from Channel 4 is reading this, I’ve got an idea for a show called ‘Ramsay’s Wedding Hell’, which you can contact me about at any time. 

You and your spouse no longer have identities

Wedding suppliers don’t actually ever see your human features or know your real name, they only recognise you as blurry, walking £ signs with Nationwide ISAs waiting to be plundered. To avoid having three zeros added to every quote, never actually use the word wedding. Just say it’s a ‘celebration of relationships’ or a ‘funeral’.

Even buskers are in on the act

That’s right… the guy you normally chuck a quid to outside Argos for his stirring Jurassic Park ensemble is now making you pawn off a family heirloom to make an appearance on your big day. The cheek.

Wedding jokes aren’t funny

Making a joke about a wedding, specifically your own, is a bit like saying ‘bomb’ as you shuffle through airport customs. Gags about ‘rings going missing’ or ‘eyebrows being shaved off’ on the stag do are the sort of ‘top bants’ that lead to invites getting lost in the post.

Your popularity levels will hit rock bottom

Expect to lose around five or six close friends or family members during the planning stages – mainly for failing to meet their extravagant personal demands. And putting an guest-list together will make you about as popular as Judas Iscariot right after he told Christ he was just popping out to make a phone call.

I now own a fair chunk of Royal Mail

George Osborne flogging £750 million of the government’s stake in Royal Mail will seem like small fry compared to the amount of stamps you’ll buy when planning a wedding. Forget that we’re in a paperless age of technology, all wedding correspondence must still be on silk paper stock, with a wax seal, delivered by the Queen’s swans – otherwise it’s just not official.

Celebrity crashers are becoming a dangerous trend 

‘OMG look at this video of Ed Sheeran crashing a wedding speech.’ Absolutely not. Sorry, ginger-nuts, but if your name’s not on the list, you’re not coming in. Your Ivor Novello’s no good here, and don’t think we haven’t clocked Taylor Swift making a beeline for the buffet…

My fiancée had to vet this article

In the ten years I’ve been a journalist, I’ve only ever had to seek copy approval once – from Ross Kemp (long story) – but I now find myself having to submit this work for sign-off from my bride-to-be. Mainly to avoid mentioning things like [REDACTED] is not allowed to drink at the reception, or how [REDACTED] made everyone [REDACTED] on the hen do…

You will get at least one John Lewis voucher

No matter what you ask for (or not) you are guaranteed a John Lewis gift voucher. The only recorded incident of a bride and groom not receiving John Lewis vouchers was in Aberdeen in 2006, and even then it turned out they’d just fallen down the side of the seat in the best man’s car.

Follow Si Cunningham on Twitter: @SiCunninghamz