5 Conversation Starters For Today: featuring Dolph Lundgren, sea monsters and Kanye

Have you been sat at your desk all morning trying to avoid human contact because you’re not really sure what to say? Well fear not, here’s five conversation starting topics that’ll make you the most straight up interesting chap in the office this lunch time. Money back guaranteed.

"A god damn sea monster has been found on a beach..."

Yes, it’s probably an eel, yes, it could even be Photoshopped but please, for one single second consider the possibility that this is a bona fide sea monster. What does that even mean? Is this the beginning of the sea monster apocalypse? One in which sharks sprout legs and whatever-the-hell-this-thing-is start hopping onto dry land, devouring children and pets until finally Donald Trump, newly elected as US President removes his human mask to reveal he’s been a mutant squid all along and the end is very fricking nigh. Stranger things have happened. Read all about the unearthly beast here.

“They’re making a Kindergarten Cop sequel with Dolph Lundgren.”

You know the film, the one that casts Arnie as an arguably psychotic cop who goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher only to both save the day and teach us something about family values at the same time. Yeah, it was rubbish. But it has become something of a cult classic due to such lines as (mock Arnie voice): “Ooo iz your Daddy and vwhat doez ee doo?” and the fact that it used to be shown on ITV every single weekend during the mid to late 90s. Well, there’s a remake happening starring Dolph ‘Cut-price-Arnie’ Lundgren and here’s the trailer and OH MY GOD OUR TIME MACHINE IS BROKEN, WE’RE TRAPPED, WHO IS THE PRESIDENT?!? WHAT YEAR IS THIS?

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What will happen if Leo doesn’t win his Oscar next week?

If Leonardo DiCaprio and the Oscars were TV characters they would be Mulder and Scully: two entities constantly surrounded by strange rumours that are largely overlooked by the majority of the world who instead focus on the biggest question of all: ‘Will they or won’t they just get together forever already?’ Deep down we know that they will but who knows when.

On paper it seems that Leo’s bear humpin’ turn in The Revenant is pretty much a sure thing because he ate a bison liver and if Daniel Day Lewis has taught us anything it’s that doing pointlessly extreme things in the name of cinema is a dead cert for awards. But what if, for perhaps no other reason other than it would be quite funny, Leo doesn’t get the award. Imagine his face. Imagine the red carpet interviews afterwards, the casual flipping of his table as he says: “I’m done.” Exiting amid awkward chuckles and looks of concerns to do donuts in his limousine in the car park outside. Or maybe it’ll be more like this.

“Kanye West isn’t really skint though, he’s just rich person skint.”

It doesn’t take a genius to realise that Kanye is solid gold social currency this week. Whether it's Yeezy being shut down by a CIA whistleblower or being mercilessly mocked by Pizza Hut, everyone’s talking about him This is due to several reasons a) he has a new album b) he’s just claimed that he’s $53million in debt.

The big question though, and one that we doubtlessly won’t ever get an answer for but is fun to speculate about: ‘how skint is he really?’ We’re going to go out on a limb and say that while he’s made a few bad investments (leather sweat pants, Tidal..) we’re not about to see him pawning his Yeezy sneakers any time soon.

“What the hell-icopters is going on with the weather?”

One minute you’re told you need to start emergency stock piling bread and cronuts or face an icy death at the hands of a nationwide blizzard, the next, outside is starting to look like summer and yet still has the cold embrace of a Saturday father following a custody battle. You get on the tube, it’s too hot, you step outside it’s like fleeing the Titanic. You wear sunglasses, you look like an idiot, you don’t and it’s like you’ve fallen victim to a freak welding accident. What’s going off?

*None of the above has anything to do with that snow picture. But the picture is still fantastic.