5 Things To Do With A Pumpkin

Every year you humans go mental and buy loads of pumpkins - even though hardly any you actually like the taste of them - and leave them outside until they're full of tiny little flies. The contents of the pumpkin usually ends up in the bin for people like me who come along, tip your bins out and make a right pig's ear of your driveway. Here are five things I like to do with pumpkins.

Smash it

Mash the sh*t out of it and post all the little bits through Gary Lineker's letter box.

Stick it on your mate's head

I once stuck a pumpkin on a dog's head and a really old man beat the sh*t out of him with a spade, because he was so scared. The funniest part of the story wasn't the fact that the dog's head had caught fire from the fairy light or the fact that the old man beat it to death with a spade out of fear; the part that made me p*ss myself laughing was that it was actually the old man's guide dog. Magical stuff.

Feed it to a thrush

If, like me, you're mates with a thrush then encourage him to eat loads of pumpkin seeds. This doesn't always work, but once I made a thrush called Ryan Bloom eat a bunch of them. Apparently due to a chemical in a thrush's digestive system, the seed can germinate. After about twelve weeks Ryan was about the same size as a standard Spalding basketball and was in agony, rolling around behind the greenhouse begging to to be put out of his misery because the pumpkin was actually growing inside him. We used to gather around, booting him from one side of the garden to the other whilst he sobbed and screamed for mercy, and we laughed and laughed and laughed. It was the best Halloween ever.

Lob it in the canal

Fill up with mice and lob it into the canal. I've never done this but it sounds like a laugh.

Marry it

If it fits, then why not marry it? I once got married to a pumpkin called Lesley Trench. We broke up after her head became full of bees and she started to smell like m*nge.