Hillary Clinton weighs in on the fight between The Rock & Vin Diesel - and backs the wrong horse

Good evening. I’m back from holiday and, to be honest, I haven’t fully recovered – from last week’s Rock Report, that is! Boy oh boy what a rollercoaster. I’m still trying to work out what’s truth and what’s fiction. Trust me when I say you will be the first to know when I’ve finally put together the pieces to that particular puzzle.

In the meantime, I noticed that a person we don’t normally see getting involved in The Rock’s affairs was getting involved in The Rock’s affairs. That’s right, you guessed it, folks – it was Hillary bloody Clinton!

Appearing on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, Hillary Clinton fielded some questions from people who work behind the scenes on that very show. The questions started with chin-scratchers like “What is your proudest achievement as Secretary of State?” then swiftly dissolved into anarchy and, we can all get on board with this, silliness! It wasn’t long before some guy outside a doorway was asking her, “The Rock? Or Vin Diesel?”

We have to infer that he was asking her which of the two men was her favourite, rather than which of the pair she’d most like to use as a boat. 

“What a tough question. Boy,” Clinton said, obviously reading off an autocue. (I’m a huge fan of Clinton’s and obviously she would have been an infinitely better president than the steaming pile of bat shit the United States got instead, but reading off an autocue for answers like this should be a criminal offence.)

She wasn’t done. 

“The Fast and the Furious movies prove that both are masters of high-octane action,” she said, “and while The Rock is an indispensable part of the later films, Vin Diesel is really the heart and the centre of the Toretto family. And in the end, everyone is better off when they can look past what divides them and work together. You know, I like to say, ‘Stronger Together.’”

Interesting, this. How did Clinton manage to provide the only response that could possibly be interpreted as the wrong answer? There was only one correct answer to this question: it begins with ‘Dwayne’ and ends in ‘Johnson’. (It’s Dwayne The Rock Johnson.) As readers of this column will attest, Vin Diesel stands in Johnson’s colossal shadow, forever wishing he could muster a scintilla of the grace his imperious co-star exudes. 

When the pair locked horns and jousted like two rutting stags on the set of the eighth Fast and Furious film (The Fate of the Furious), people flocked to The Rock’s side like he was wounded, certain that it was Diesel who had single-handedly caused the rift. I might be biased, given that Johnson and I are best friends, but I can’t imagine The Rock being tough to work with. I for one can picture Diesel headbutting an intern who spilled mocha on his loafers. The Rock? The Rock would recognise that the fella felt bad about the mistake, and would buy him a small house. 

Like Lord Voldemort’s dribbling cronies, even Vin Diesel’s die-hard fans know that they stand on the dark side. They know that, when The Reckoning comes and the heavens open, they will be judged for their sins and dragged away by fiery horses into the underworld. Or, if they come to their senses in time, they will be welcomed into the fold by those who stood on the right side of history – before being given Chinese burns for being such douchebags!

Stay hungry, stay humble.

(Illustration: Dan Evans)

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