A third of Tories want this £120 million yacht to be recommissioned

Around 100 Tory MPs (practically a third of the government) are backing plans to plow £100million into building a new royal yacht to bolster international trade.

Taking on the enormous baton left since the simply vital HMY Britannia was decommissioned in 1997 (RIP, I think of u everyday), the new royal yacht will potter around the seven seas, foisting our finest negotiators and fanciest royals on unsuspecting ports around the globe and inviting diplomats aboard for an opulent tea and a couple of treaties.

Allegedly, the original helped secure £3 billion in trade deals between 1991-1995, though how anyone tangibly records 'helped' as a metric is anyone's guess.

“I believe that if Brexit is going to mean ‘Successful Brexit’,” this MP opines. “It should also mean the return of our royal yacht.”

You have to agree that, as a metaphor for post-Brexit Britain; prioritising a form of transportation rendered completely obsolete by ‘the plane’ at a truly staggering cost, to serve very little purpose beyond appeasing some form of bizarre patriotism which makes us appear a complete tinpot joke internationally – HMY Britannia 2 is a good one.

As the pound collapses like a soggy house of cards, plunging the country into economic uncertainty, I think I speak for everyone when I say: my own finances are a trivial matter, it is more important that the Queen be able to sail in style.

In fact, I echo the sentiments of the letter sent to Theresa May signed by the 100 MPs (including Michael Gove) which say that the nation will happily give up their winter fuel subsidy and go cold at Christmas if it means we get to wave Kate and Wills off on their state-sponsored cruise in a yacht we helped pay for.

As always, there will be Britain-hating, anthem-silencing, Union Jack-burning spoilsports who will say “a new royal yacht is a bad use of one hundred million pounds”, and so we’ve taken the liberty of finding every other thing that even comes close to representing the same value for money and explaining why they'd still be a waste of timeL

4417 Junior Doctors

Junior doctors earn £22,636 in their first year, and some might say it could be a good idea to invest in more home-grown medical professionals since we’re seemingly committed to making all of the non-Brit national docs take their skills elsewhere, but frankly, would you rather you and your family die or have a national boat? It’s an easy decision when you think about it.

4761 Nurses

Nurses’ wage start on £21k, but when we’ve already committed to dying for our nautical nationalism, does it really matter if we’re looked after as we expire? 

Refurbish More Than 50 Schools

The one thing we don’t need to improve is our schools. The old buildings in the past work fine, all you need are four walls, a roof and some exam papers.  What’s more important is improving and reigniting our fine colonial tradition of trying to dazzle the world with opulent displays of aquatic wealth. Burn the textbooks and bring back the Britannia, we say.

Rehome A Third Of England’s Homeless Population

Sure, the Queen has eight taxpayer-funded royal residences at the moment, and we could give 4,000 homeless people shelter for £25k a head instead of spending £100mil on one big yacht, but where do you want Her Maj to sleep when she’s marauding across the ocean? In the sea? With the fishes? You heartless swine.

Build Between 800-2000 Small Wind Turbines

“Ohhh, we’re all gonna die if we don’t make immediate changes to our energy emissions,” says you through mouthfuls of falafel, you oxygen-loving hippie. If the sea levels are rising as you supposedly claim, a few oversized fans aren’t going to do much to stop them. They might blow the sea into France, at a push. I’ll tell you what’s a lot more useful in that situation: a boat. Checkmate. 

Help Thousands Of Refugees

If you pledged 100million to help refugees in Britain, you could alleviate the cost of up to 10,000 more souls trying to escape a brutal war. Or. We could buy one big boat and sail around the Mediterranean Sea watching the devastation unfold, heading back to our cabins safe in the knowledge that our elites will have a good night’s kip before they rock up in Europe with their hands out asking for trading money.

Buy Everyone In England A Shot

Taking some liberties with variable prices across the nation’s bars, if a single shot of your average spirit costs around £1.50 and there are 55.8 million; we could get every man, woman and child a Sambuca. This one sounds pretty good, actually. We’re going to have to do some rethinking on our stance…