This meme is ruining friendships and we need to find an answer

Let’s cut right to the chase here. There’s a new meme, right, and it’s dividing offices and ruining friendships. It is wasting endless hours of company time up and down the country, and is therefore, in my personal opinion, an Extremely Good Meme.

It forces people to argue about different types of animals fighting each other, which everyone knows is the best kind of argument, but there’s a twist - your own life is also on the line.

Here it is, anyway. Here is the meme:

So yeah, you get to pick two of these options, and then the rest are coming for you. It’s all out war. Total carnage. Who are you picking?

The question I want answered first is whether the animals know they’re in a fight, or if they’re just kind of there. For the purpose of sheer fun, I’m going to assume they know it’s a fight, and I’m going to tell you the right answer.

If the animals didn’t know it was a fight, then obviously you’d choose the bloke with the shotgun. He could just go around picking everything off from range, and Bob’s your father’s mother, it’s over. However, if he had dozens of gigantic beats hurtling towards him at full speed, there’s no way he’d be able to reload fast enough to take them all down before they got to him and tore his puny body limb from limb. He would be devoured, and good, frankly - people who go big game hunting should be devoured horribly by gigantic, fang-toothed savages. Good riddance, mate.

So then what? I’m going to rule out the ten crocodiles and the seven bulls. Crocs are vicious, but they’re ungainly and I reckon you’d need way more than ten of them to be effective. There’s also no way seven bulls could take out four lions or 15 wolves. The bulls are toast. 

Ten thousand rats is a tricky one. It’s a lot of rats, ten thousand, but could they actually do anything? I struggle to believe ten thousand rats could take down even a single bear, and they’d stand no chance against the eagles. I feel like I personally could take care of most of the rats simply by punting them into the sun. I’d stand at the back, behind my legion of beasts, and I’d boot every rat that made it past them as hard as I could in its face. This is the only use I could possibly have in this fight. Everything else is going to fuck me up. Don’t worry lads, I’ll take the rats, you deal with those five angry gorillas, yeah?

Speaking of the gorillas, they’re definitely going on my shortlist. I’m finding it hard to rule out any other the others now, actually. A case can be made for all of them. The eagles would be really hard to catch, and if they all worked together, 50 eagles all swooping down on, say, one lion at once could definitely cause some damage. Wolves are pack hunters and can run for ages, their stamina definitely makes them an attractive choice. Gorillas are strong as hell and I really would not want to be punched by one, therefore would prefer them to be on my team. Bears are massive. Lions are lions.

Actually, you know what, I’ve decided. I’m going bears and eagles. I reckon if the bears stood around me and protected me they could do a pretty good job of keeping the other animals at bay, meanwhile the eagles could swoop down in giant packs and pick off my enemies one by one. I’ll kick the rats. I think I’ve got this. I think this is the answer, but what does the rest of the internet think? The question is going viral on both Reddit and Twitter, so here are some of the best responses (there’s a weird amount of support for the rats):

I’m now confused again. This meme has broken me.