Morning/afternoon/evening/3.45am (delete as applicable), hows about some hearty recommendations for some new clothes for you and yours? Hows, about, that? Want some new stuff? Some brand spanking threads to pop on? You, weary traveller, have stumbled upon the correct bartering stall - I’ve got goodies galore for you today. Here, try these on for size:
(Of course, this being the internet, it’s impossible to try them on for size, apologies for the oversight)
Beige nylon tote bag by ARKET (£115)
Like a tote bag but are forever on the cusp of a panic attack because you don’t trust the strength of the handle? Well then, ditch the one you got for free and actually spend some money on a sturdy, hefty one. What’s a few quid for piece of mind? Now, and only now, can you once again carry heavy things down the street! 57 bananas, here we go!
Forest green corduroy track jacket by BILLIONAIRE BOYS CLUB (£265)
You could get this cord track top, and not even think about what you were going to wear on your legs, couldn’t you? You could do that, or
Forest green corduroy track pant by BILLIONAIRE BOYS CLUB (£155)
YOU COULD GET THE MATCHING PAIR OF PANTS!! PIAOW PIAOW PIAOW!
White One Star canvas trainers by CONVERSE X DSM (£70)
Lovely and clean, these, aren’t they? Not for long, buster, not for long. Unless you do what’s right, and only wear these in the day, and after you’ve checked the weather forecast. Raining? Nope. Going to a bar? Nope. Spelunking? Yes, you would look very good doing it, but no, don’t, because what’s ‘looking good’ when you’ve just slipped on a rock, duffed up your nice creps and torn your Achilles at the same time? Quite a lot, sure, but still.
Black RS-0 trainers by PUMA X ROLAND (£89)
Hey, but these ones? These ones you could wear when it rains, or at a bar, erm, maybe not spelunking, but they’ll deal with a bit more of a pummel and probably still look good for it afterwards. Also, they’ve got a bit of an ugly/chunky aesthetic going on here, so they’re very on-trend, but crucially they haven’t gone too far with it, so you’re not going to end up looking like you’re wearing some sort of Spice Girls-era platform monstrosity. Unless you want that, of course? Nowt wrong with that. Go on, get yourself down to Cyberdog, you wacky old thing.
Maize and black copper finish Academy pack by COACH (£295)
Nice little bag, here. Maybe the price tag isn’t so nice or little, but you’re getting quality with Coach, so it’s worth the investment. As long as you don’t buy it and then immediately take it spelunking.
Tapestry taping long sleeve overshirt by TOPMAN (£70)
We’re getting into overshirt weather territory, everyone, so you’d better start thinking about getting a few choice ones for when our old friend “Mrs Sun” packs it in for the autumn. This one? Yes, a good, nice, great one. Do it up, leave it open, it’s entirely up to you. That’s the great thing about fashion - it’s you that dictates how you wear it. Course, putting your legs through the sleeves and wearing it like some sort of giant open-arsed baby-grow might be taking it a bit too far, but who am I to stop you?
Navy side stripe pull on trousers by NEW LOOK (£24.99)
Nice trousers, got a stripe on them, get your ankles out, under thirty quid, why are you wasting time not buying them?
Single breasted mac by TURNER AND SANDERSON (£150)
That is a good price for a coat. You don’t want to go too low and obviously it’s quite difficult to go too high, so a lovely little £150 will get you a good-quality mac like this one above. Coats have got to get you through a bit of a battering, so it’s worth slapping down a relatively decent bit of wedge on one.
Also, something something blah blah another joke about spelunking that definitely won’t make anyone laugh but hey it’s the last item so let’s just punt everything at the wall and hope it sticks. Bye!
