.!#** !!*#* - don't worry, a rogue blob of jam hasn't fell onto our keyboard, we're simply highlighting how censorship can be as much a nuisance as a necessity.
Just ask Martin Scorsese for proof of that. Sprinkling almost as many swears as cocaine into his films over the years, it's almost unnatural when his profanity-laden masterpieces are edited for family viewing, cuss words making way for friendly ones.
Nonetheless, every once and a while we come across edited movie lines which, at least if you're looking for an offbeat sort of laugh, are on par with the original. Even Scorsese films.
After all, who doesn't guffaw at the thought of "monkey-fighting snakes on a Monday to Friday plane"? Not us, that's for sure.
Here are 15 unintentionally hilarious censored for TV movie lines you need to know:
1.
Dazed And Confused (Slater)
Actual line: “Let's go smoke a joint, man. On the 50-fucking-yard line!”
Censored: “Let's go do it Mr. Green Bean style on the 50 yard line!”
2.
Snakes On A Plane (Agent Flynn)
Actual line: “I have had it with these mother-fucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.”
Censored line: “I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane.”
3.
Casino (Nicky Santoro)
Actual line: “Fuck me? Fuck you, you mother-fucker!”
Censored line: “Forget me? Forget you, you mother-forgetter!”
4.
Die Hard 2 (John McClane)
Actual line: “Yippei-ki-yay, Motherfucker.”
Censored: “Yippei-ki-yay, Mister Falcon.”
5.
The Big Lewbowski (Walter Sobchak)
Actual line: "You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?"
Censored line: “You see what happens when you find a stranger in the alps?”
6.
Hear No Evil, See No Evil (Wallace Karew /Dave Lyons)
Actual line: “Tell me the first thing that pops into your brain.”....“Pussy!”
Censored line: “Tell me the first thing that pops into your brain.”...“Pasta!”
7.
Hot Fuzz (Nicholas Angel)
Actual line: “Jesus Christ!”
Censored line: “Peas and Rice!”
8.
Jackie Brown (Ordell Robbie)
Actual line: "Freeze, motherfucker!”
Censored line: “Freeze, Moldy-fingers!”
9.
Exorcist (Regan MacNeil)
Actual line: “Your mother sucks cocks in hell.”
Censored line: “Your mother knits socks that smell.”
10.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (Cameron Frye)
Actual line: “Pardon my French, but you’re an asshole.”
Censored line: “Pardon my French, but you’re an aardvark.”
11.
Scarface (Tony Montana)
Actual line: “This town is like a big pussy, waiting to be fucked”
Censored line: “This town is like a big chicken, waiting to be plucked”
12.
The Usual Suspects (various)
Actual line: “Hand me the keys you fucking cock sucker."
Censored line: “Hand me the keys you fairy godmother.”
13.
Hot Fuzz (Nicholas Angel)
Actual line: “Pack it in Frank, you silly bastard.”
Censored line: “Pack it in Frank, you silly barstool.”
14.
Goodfellas (Tommy DeVito)
Actual line: “Go fuck your mother.”
Censored line: “Go feel your mother.”
15.
Bridget Jones’s Diary (Bridget Jones)
Actual line: “I'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's arse.”
Censored line: "I’d rather have a job cleaning Sadam Hussein’s cars.”
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