"People love video games, right? And they love movies too? So how about we make some MOVIES based on VIDEO GAMES?!"
We can only assume this was an elevator pitch that recently occurred in the offices of two major video game brands: Nintendo and Atari.
Nintendo's president Tatsumi Kimishima recently revealed he's intent to get a Nintendo film made within five years (did he forget about 1993's Super Mario Bros), whilst Atari is set to partner with EFO films to turn two of its classic titles - Missile Command (which saw players defend six Californian cities from ballistic missile attacks) and Centipede (an arcade game that revolved around shooting giant bugs) - into feature length films.
On the basis of the above, we've decided to go through a clutch of other games with no real story (so not like Uncharted, Assassin's Creed, Halo) to see whether any studios out there might commission us to come up with a script treatment.
Be honest, you'd watch all these...
Tetris
Starring: Jesse Eisenberg
Plot: A young hacker (Eisenberg) discovers that Russians are attempting to break into the FBI's top secret data bank. However, as the hacker has previously hacked the FBI himself, he can't alert them of the danger or he'll face life in prison. Instead, he creates an elaborate piece of code that transforms the hacking process into a visual, easy-to-grasp process of making various blocks line up with each other. It's then a race against time to stop the dastardly Russians from blowing up America.
The sound track really makes this one.
Bomberman
Starring: Jason Statham
Plot: A miner finds himself trapped a mile underground after a cave in caused my mysterious circumstances. Armed with a crate of dynamite, a grubby vest and enough "Blow/Bang/Boom/Bomb" punchlines to fill 70 minutes of dialogue, he makes his way to the surface.
Breakout
Starring: Cristiano Ronaldo
Plot: After being framed for his lover's murder, a world class footballer finds himself in prison the week before his team's critical cup final. He befriends a wise old prisoner (played by Morgan Freeman), a former scientist who - despite being a week from release - risks his own freedom to help the footballer create a diamond-hard football. The footballer then plays wall-ball, eventually kicking his way to freedom, making the cup final and winning the game.
Snake
Starring: The voice of Michael Cera
Plot: A snake wants to join the snake track and field team of his Snake College, but finds himself mocked by the larger, athletic jocks snakes. Guided by a wise old snake mentor, the young snake undergoes a series of training montages, before he is ultimately victorious in the final track and field trails of the snake calendar.
There's also an incidental romance with a hot snake-next-door female character.
Ms Pac Man
Starring: Melissa McCarthy
Plot: A bumbling-yet-loveable ghost hunter finds herself trapped in a haunted supermarket on Halloween. With the store on lock down for the night, she must use the shop's stock to fight off the ghostly apparitions before rescue comes at dawn.
Asteroids
Starring: Dwayne Johnson
Plot: After a scouting mission goes horribly wrong, a deep-space asteroid mapper finds himself stranded in the largest asteroid field ever discovered. Discovering an alien base at the centre of the field, he must shoot his way out of the asteroids and warn Earth of the impending rocky threat.
Concludes with heroic suicide moment in which Johnson flies his ship into the final large asteroid - only to jump from the craft at the last minute. He's picked up by NASA and made President of the United States.
Pong
Starring: Ryan Gosling and Justin Timberlake
Plot: Twin brothers, separated at birth, happen to discover that they both possess incredible table tennis skills. They enter the same World Championship tournament, where they eventually meet in the final. Over the course of the final, they undergo the emotional discovery of their shared parentage, eventually deciding to abandon the game at 50-all.
