Cocaine users keep "getting Winstoned" by the new £5 notes

Far be it from us to pass judgement about the extracurricular activities of our readers, but if you were looking to blag a bit of gear at the weekend, probably best not to use a £5 note to dispose of it. 

Coke. Flake. Lem. Snow. Blow. White. Toot. Base. Basa. Powder. Dust. Big Rush. Pearl. Candy. Cola. C. Gak. Big flakes. Nose candy. Baseball. Bump. Line. Rail. Snow. Stash. Yeyo. Chop. Charlie. Rocks. Black rock. Chemical. Candy. Nuggets. Gravel. Grit. Hail. Hard rock. Jelly beans. Cookies. Dickie. Dice. Purple caps. Scrabble. Yam. Sleet. Tornado. The ol’ Colombian Marching Powder. According to the Metro, across the country, fans of the stuff have been putting their complaints in about the thicker and stronger plastic-polymer £5 notes, introduced earlier this year, cutting their nostrils.

An anonymous cocaine user from Birmingham told the paper: “I thought I was the only person to have had my nose cut by the new fiver. But when I told my friend how I was in agony he said I had been ‘Winstoned’ and it was happening to everyone.”

A “Winston” refers to the political bulldog Winston “Big Churchman” Churchill, and sounds painful as hell. Cocaine – even the good stuff – is made up of millions of sharp little crystals and the inside of your nose is already pretty delicate, so introducing the two, even without the use of a third-party receptacle such as a rolled-up note digging into your exposed skin, is always going to spell trouble.

“Everyone thought the new fivers were God’s gift to sniffing at the start because they roll up perfectly [...] Now I suppose now people are realising if something seems too good to be true then it usually is,” the anonymous Brummie coke fan added. 

Not only painful, the cuts can also lead to the transfer of infections, with sharing bank notes almost as dangerous as swapping needles, putting you at risk of hepatitis B and C, and HIV infections.

So next time you’ve had a few shandies and scroll through to the ever-so-subtly-named dealer in your phonebook, how’s about turning off your phone for a bit and having a big glass of water.

There, that’s better, isn’t it?