Trump should be allowed to visit the UK whenever he wants (just not for the reasons he'd like)

So, there’s an online petition to get Donald Trump banned from entering the UK. That must come as blessed relief to those people who signed the petition to get Tyson Fury struck off the shortlist for Sports Personality of the Year and were sitting around, refreshing Change.org every 30 seconds, wondering if their lives will ever have meaning again.

The petition has proved rather popular. As I write, it’s at 513,324 signatures, surpassing the previous record-holder for a parliamentary petition, which, ironically, demanded people (refugees) be let into the country.

All these people want to ban Trump from entering the UK because, as you will know unless you’ve been hiding in his hair for the last few days, he wants to ban Muslims from entering the USA. Unless someone is punching you in the face, surely mirroring actions you find deplorable as a way to protest against those actions makes as much sense as, well, Donald Trump. That faint odour isn't Christmas sprouts, it's the pungent whiff of double-standards.

To be absolutely clear - I really don’t like Trump. This is a man so odious that, when he took a dislike to Piers Morgan during a celebrity version of The Apprentice, he had you rooting for Morgan. 

I think Donald Trump is a much-used, never-washed arserag who borders on neo-fascist. He's the worst kind of demagogue: a tragic, childish, attention-seeking reactionary who'd probably champion his own deportation if he thought it'd win votes. He sounds like a fuckwit and appeals to fuckwits. He said, during the same speech in which he called for the ban, that America is “fed up with stupid people." Yes Donald, it is. You, however, are reliant on them.

I’m not an advocate of 'free speech at all costs'. Speech can be very damaging and, until we live in a world where everyone gets an equal voice and reason wins out over whooping, fuzzy logic and name-calling, some voices need to be checked.

However, banning him from the UK is not only hypocritical, it’s also pointless, counter-productive and simply Not What We Do.

First of all, there's this thing called mass media, which means whatever he says, people will hear, whether that's in Little Rock or Littlehampton; you can't put your hands over the country's ears. Secondly, he’s already effectively barred himself for life from Israel by saying he won’t visit the country until he’s US President. If that becomes a habit, he could paint himself into a geographical corner within weeks, dooming himself to a lifetime trapped inside Trump Tower by a wall of flippant promises.

Most importantly, though, this is not how we deal with idiots in the UK. By kicking up such a sincere fuss, we’re in danger of treating him seriously, when in reality he’s just a political Jim Davidson. What the British do best is fight the laughable with laughter. Check out the internet. Check out Boris Johnson’s reaction. We’ve even taken the comedy fight to America.

What we should be doing is taking him down, Brit-style. Invite him over, make him a nice cup of tea, let him talk his nonsense, ruffle his hair and say to him: “Do you know what ‘trump’ means over here?”

If you agree with me, sign my petition and I will, personally(ish) invite Donald Trump to the UK for a cuppa. I’ve created it here on Change.org because, when I tried to start it on Parliament.uk, it was rejected for the following reason: “It’s offensive, nonsense, a joke, or an advert."

How very un-British of them.