Which animals would do better than Conor McGregor in a fight with Floyd Mayweather?

It’s official. Conor McGregor is fighting Floyd Mayweather in a fight that promises to be part Hollywood drama, part circus sideshow.

Everyone knows that Mayweather (49 professional boxing fights, 49 wins) is going to toy with McGregor (0 professional boxing fights, 0 wins) before winning convincingly, and you’d wonder what the point of the whole thing was if you didn’t know that loads of people are going to make obscene amounts of cash off it.

As the world clamours for points of reference for an unprecedented bout between boxer and MMA fighter, we’ve found just the metric to make sense of it all. How well would ‘The Notorious’ fare compared with a bunch of different wild animals. 

Is Conor McGregor better at fighting than an otter? And could Mayweather knock out a wolf with one punch? We are – we’re fairly certain – the only publication bringing you the answers to the really big questions.

Lion

It begins pretty cagily, but then the lion is let out of its cage and mauls Mayweather mercilessly for three rounds. ‘Money’ gets the odd jab in but the referee stops proceedings all too late. This really shouldn’t have gone ahead – who sanctioned it? And who allowed the lion to go bareknuckle?

Verdict: Better than McGregor

Horse

According to reports, McGregor will face a lawsuit if he kicks Mayweather during their superfight. A horse would not have such an issue, given that (a) it lacks the dexterity to sign a written contract and (b) it would be unfazed by the threat of legal action, because it is a horse, and would likely call Mayweather’s bluff by showing up in court and defending itself in a show of equine bravado.

Sure, it might not play fair, but it would win. And who’s going to disqualify a horse? Check. Mate.

Verdict: Better than McGregor

Wolf

NFL player Arian Foster famously claimed he would be able to beat a wolf in a fight because – and this is important – he has thumbs. When it was pointed out that wolves hunt in packs, he doubled down, noting that “none of them have thumbs”. While this is true, what wolves do have is really, really sharp teeth which they can use to rip out a man’s throat.

While Floyd Mayweather is undoubtedly an excellent boxer, if he tried to go 12 rounds with a wolf he would die. Actually, most of his flesh would be gone by about round six.

Verdict: Better than McGregor

Kangaroo

If Tekken 2 has taught us anything, it’s that a kangaroo can win in a fight against a human, a dinosaur and even the devil.

Is it pure coincidence that Tekken 2’s resident kangaroo, Roger, shares his name with Floyd Mayweather’s uncle? Yes, one hundred per cent. However, boxing gloves on a kangaroo just fit. Not literally, psychologically. Don’t ask us how. Don’t ask us why. In fact, don’t ask us anything.

A kangaroo would be on a level with a good boxer. McGregor is a bad boxer, ergo the kangaroo wins.

Verdict: Better than McGregor (just)

Snake

Mayweather has found himself up against every conceivable type of opponent. Those who are quick on their feet, those who have great hand movement, those with a devastating hook and those who deliver death by a thousand jabs.

What he hasn’t done is fight an opponent with no arms or legs. Step forward the humble snake. Well, not literally step forward, because of the no legs thing, but you know where we’re coming from. The snake’s best bet is either tiring Mayweather out by dodging punch after punch, or getting him to trust it by lying through the medium of song. It won’t be easy, but there’s a chance.

Verdict: It’s a toss-up

Dog

Q: What breed of dog do you send to fight Floyd Mayweather? A: You thought I was going to say boxer, didn’t you? Well that would just be stupid. They’re tiny – the weight differential would be ridiculous and probably illegal, even before accounting for the human vs animal inequality. Honestly, think before you speak next time.

You send a German Shepherd, obviously, and it goes six rounds before being disqualified for striking out after the bell. Jesus, people.

Verdict: Worse than McGregor, but only just

Ostrich

Ever seen a man punch an ostrich? Neither have we, but it feels like it would be hilarious. Not sure why we wasted our time on the whole McGregor thing, this is much better.

Ostriches are massive, but they have tiny heads, so I reckon they’d be pretty easy to knock out.

Verdict: Worse than McGregor, but better PPV numbers

Otter

What bastard sanctioned this? That poor otter. Is that… is that bone? Oh god, Floyd, stop. There’s nothing for you to prove here. It’s already dead. Honestly, what’s your endgame? Jesus Christ.

Verdict: Worse than Mayweather

Fly

You know when you talk about a person and say they wouldn’t hurt a fly? Floyd Mayweather would absolutely hurt a fly. He was actually called Od Mayweather until he beat up a fly and stole its identity. What a dick.

Verdict: If we ignore Mayweather v McGregor then maybe it will go away

(Images: Rex)