100 things Donald Trump could have done instead of retweeting Britain First

I bet when you heard earlier in the week that Katie Hopkins was leaving MailOnline you thought we might see a brief respite from some of the inflammatory language to which we’ve become all too accustomed.

How naïve you were.

If you’ve somehow escaped the news for the last 24 hours, you be blissfully unaware that Donald Trump retweeted Jayda Fransen, the deputy leader of far right fringe group Britain First, sharing a series of unverified (or discredited) videos.

Limp condemnation from the Prime Minister aside, many of us have been asking the same question: What the actual fuck?!

Surely, as the President of the United States of America, Trump could have simply not retweeted Britain First’s deputy leader.

Surely he could have woken up on Wednesday and done something else.

We’ve come up with some other things that would have been a better idea.

1. Made a bowl of cereal

Pour out Lucky Charms, fish around in the bottom of the box for the free toy, add milk, stick Cartoon Network on the TV, don’t share those videos, Bob’s your father’s brother.

2. Cooked some porridge
3. Made an egg-white omelette
4. Perfected the art of a bacon sandwich
5. Ironed a shirt

Sure, he’s president, so he probably has someone else paid to do that for him. But why not give that person the morning off and, in the process, not share videos put onto your timeline by the deputy leader of far right fringe group Britain First.

6. Ironed his pants

7. Ironed his ties

8. Ironed the cloth on top of the ironing board

9. Run a bath

Pour in hot water, pour in cold water, get the balance slightly wrong, let some of it drain out before it starts overflowing, bit more hot, a little bubble bath, don’t retweet Jayda Fransen, simple.

10. Seen to that leaky tap in the bathroom

11. Changed all the lightbulbs in the White House

12. Started up a new game of Football Manager

Trump’s hometown team New York City FC make for a pretty good challenge on the new game, with Andrea Pirlo retiring at the end of the first season. He could have decided to work out a plan for dealing with life after the Italian and, in the process, not retweeted a debunked video entitled ‘Muslim migrant beats up Dutch boy on crutches!’

13. Started a new FIFA journey mode game

14. Started a new game of Animal Crossing

15. Run some updates on the laptop

You put it off for ages with the smallest excuses. I don’t want to interrupt that video I’m watching, remind me tomorrow. I’ve got to finish writing that note, remind me tomorrow. If he’d run the update then sure, it might have meant a bit of time away from Twitter, but on the plus side it might have meant a bit of time away from Twitter.

16. Built a wall out of Lego, taken a polaroid photo of it and posted the photo to Mexico. No actual address, just an envelope with the word ‘Mexico’ on the front

17. Run out to the postbox, taken the polaroid letter out and added a single second-class stamp.

18. Capped up the ‘R’ in his Twitter handle

OK, if he absolutely had to open up the app, why not change the style on the @realDonaldTrump handle. A lower-case first word followed by upper-case for his full name is just clunky. And time spent capping up the R is time not spent retweeting racists.

19. Changed it back to a lower-case R

20. Changed his handle to @DaRealTrump

21. Changed his handle to @ApprenticeBoss

22. Changed his handle to @YourFired2

23. Corrected the typo and changed it to @YoureFired23, because 1 through 22 were taken

24. Washed his legs

He doesn’t look like the sort of man who washes his legs enough. If only he spent less time sharing fake news and more time looking after what we imagine are scabby, reddened monstrosities.

25. Washed his hair with the good shampoo

26. Cleaned behind his ears. Properly, though, not just the half-arsed job he normally does

27. Changed the Fox News logo to an actual fox

Would be a lot cooler, wouldn’t it. Maybe people would even start taking them more seriously, especially if it was the fox from Disney’s Robin Hood. Also, y’know, it avoids that whole videos thing.

28. Changed the CNN logo to a fox, too, because he’s president and he can do what he wants

29. Bought a live fox to keep as a pet

30. Tried medium-rare steak for the first time

Sure, it might have been first thing in the morning for el presidente, but breakfast is just a social construct anyway. Medium-rare steak, no ketchup – maybe even get someone to whip him up a fresh peppercorn sauce. Worst case scenario, he has a meal he doesn’t enjoy, but hasn’t retweeted the deputy leader of Britain First. Best case, he’s got a new favourite meal.

31. Thrown the medium-rare steak out of the window and asked for his usual, but with the good ketchup this time

32. Gone for a jog

Maybe the fresh air would have done him some good, and stopped him sharing those videos to more than 43 million followers.

33. Played catch with Barron in the garden

34. Played catch with Don Jr and Eric in the garden

35. Played catch with his new pet fox in the garden

36. Played catch indoors

37. Dressed up in a tuxedo and played catch out on the street, like that bafflingly incongruous scene in The Room

38. Called up Cadbury’s and asked them to bring back the Fuse bar

I’m pretty sure the President has an in to the big bosses in candyland, which is how I assume Cadbury’s top brass refer to themselves. Sure, it might seem ‘minor’ or ‘unnecessary’, but it’s not sharing a video of questionable veracity from a group with a history of making false claims.

39. Made his own Fuse bars from Cadbury’s original recipe

40. Made his own Wonka bars from the Cadbury’s recipe

41. Build an entire chocolate factory from scratch

42. Resurrected the late Gene Wilder

43. Invited lucky ticket holders to a tour of the new chocolate factory, hosted by Zombie Wilder

44. Petitioned Kellogg’s to bring back Ricicles

45. Tried to call up the child astronaut on the Ricicles box to ask him what space is like

46. Told us what the ‘J’ in ‘Donald J. Trump’ stands for

It’s John. We know it’s John because Wikipedia tells us, and because it’s been mentioned on the news. However, it hasn’t come up in any of his 36,000 tweets. You know what has come up? That’s right, Britain First retweets.

47. Told us what POTUS stands for, even though we already know that too

48. Corrected himself and explained he knew it wasn’t really ‘President of Trump United Services’, and that was just a test

49. Refused to say what it ‘actually’ stands for, but assures us it’s not because he doesn’t know

50. Confirmed whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich

We know a hot dog is a sandwich, of course. We’ve given a complete rundown to answer all of your sandwich queries, but we’re wary of the fact that it might not yet have made it across the Atlantic. And running the rule over America’s most famous food is surely more statesmanlike than sharing those videos.

51. Confirmed whether or not a cheeseburger is a sandwich

52. Confirmed whether or not a taco is a sandwich

53. Confirmed whether or not an Oreo is a sandwich

54. Complained that millennials will never be able to afford a house if they keep spending their money on Oreos

55. Juggled some fruit

You’re never too old to learn a new skill, and if your hands are busy with an increasingly preposterous number of apples and oranges then you’ll be sure to have no free digits available for tweeting or retweeting.

56. Juggled some knives

As above, but sharper, and thus with more risk of permanent damage to your tweeting hand.

57. Juggled some hot dogs

58. Juggled some actual dogs

59. Watched some actual dogs juggling some hot dogs

60. Watched all three Lord of the Rings movies

The extended cut DVD versions, obviously. That’s 682 minutes, or more than 11 hours, plus the extended credits. When you add pee breaks into the mix – he is a 71-year-old man, after all – he’d likely be ready for bed by the time it’s all over, without a single offensive retweet sent.

61. Re-enacted all three Lord of the Rings movies using sock puppets

62. Re-enacted all three Lord of the Rings movies using sock puppet Twitter accounts

63. Invited Peter Jackson to the White House to provide a live director’s commentary for the three Lord of the Rings movies, all the while talking over him and telling him that’s not how it happened.

64. Googled ‘are Hobbits real’

65. Ordered Melania to dress as a hobbit

66. Ordered Ivanka to dress as a hobbit

67. Ordered his fox to dress as a hobbit

68. Dressed the fox himself

69. Recorded himself performing an a capella version of Eamon’s 2003 banger ‘F**k It (I Don’t Want You Back)’

If anything’s going to inspire ex-wife Ivana to record a chart-topping version of Frankee’s comeback, it’s this. Obviously Donnie T knows the words by heart, so it shouldn’t take too long, but it’s still time away from Twitter.

70. Performed a duet of ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’ with Theresa May over Skype

71. Performed and recorded his own a capella version of the Rocky theme. Yes, the instrumental

72. Learned all the words to ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ by Billy Joel

73. Instructed the CIA to bring him Billy Joel and have him arrested for arson

74. Called up the *actual* CIA, after realising his first call was to CNN

75. Called CNN back and asked if they had considered his logo change suggestion

76. Watched old re-runs of The Apprentice

77. Hoovered under the bed

You never get every last bit of dirt, but it can be calming to get things looking a little bit cleaner and tidier. Besides, even a handheld vacuum cleaner will mean one less hand free for retweeting ‘VIDEO: Muslim Destroys a Statue of Virgin Mary!’

78. Hoovered crumbs off the duvet

79. Ordered a Roomba

80. Tried to get a new high score on Tetris

With Trump’s generally impatient manner, coupled with the concentration of a man who tweets in the erratic way he does, this could take longer than you might think. A younger, more relaxed Donald probably posted a competitive tally back in the day, so it could be hours before he even comes close to matching it as a septuagenarian. By that point, it’ll be impossible for him to think about anything other than tiles – Twitter’s way out of the equation.

81. Tried to get a new high score on Flappy Bird

82. Tried to get a new high score on Snake 2

83. Thrown darts at a photo of Hillary Clinton

Sure, it’s not exactly pleasant, but it’s hardly the worst thing Trump has done, or will do. At this stage, anything that involves the use of one or both hands for an extended period of time is on the agenda, especially when it runs the risk of the sort of self-inflicted injury that stops him from getting anywhere near that whole Britain First thing.

84. Thrown darts at a photo of Kim Jong-un

85. Thrown darts at a photo of the CNN logo – the original one, not his new one with a fox

86. Written out Pi to 1,000 digits

How many times do you get the chance to write out Pi to 100 digits, let alone 1,000. He’d be practicing his handwriting, too, and – most importantly – not retweeting Jayda Fransen.

87. Eaten 1,000 pies with his digits

88. Ordered a pie well-done with ketchup

89. Googled ‘why don’t mince pies have minced beef in them?’

90. Googled ‘why don’t mints pies have mints in them?’

91. Taken salsa classes

92. Googled ‘why don’t you get salsa at salsa classes?’

93. Deleted all his tweets

This would obviously prevent him from going on to retweet those videos from Britain First’s deputy leader, because he’s too busy deleting the old ones. This is, unequivocally, a good thing.

94. Deleted Twitter from his phone

95. Thrown his phone out of the window

96. Demanded an executive order banning Twitter

97. Glared at a bird outside because it reminds him of the Twitter logo

98. Painted over any Twitter-blue surfaces in the White House

99. Wiped his entire memory

100. Listened to a 25-minute version of ‘Last Christmas’ by Wham

‘Tis the season, after all.

(Images: Rex Features/iStock/Frinkiac)