English accents have been ranked by sexiness - where is yours?

I used to think my voice was extremely sexy, felling the opposite sex like a hovercraft in a fern patch, but then I heard it on tape and obviously I hate every single element of it. It’s loud, obnoxious, entirely jarring – a bit like the sound a hovercraft would make driving through a fern patch, I guess.

So my accent, which sounds completely different depending on who I’m talking to (I’m one of those pricks), is clearly too ridiculous to belong on the following list – I’m like Tom Hardy if he wasn’t famous or rich or attractive to women. But how sexy is your accent? Where do you belong on the horny voice list?

Well, according to Lovin Manchester, who carried out a “study”, you’re sexiest if you come from – surprise, surprise – Manchester.

Taking the selfish nature of that result into account, next up is London, with the site saying: “[It’s] hard to resist the charm of the Queen's English... if you can get them to give you the time of day, that is.”

Can’t argue with that. Here’s the rest of the top ten:

3. Cambridge

4. Gloucester

5. Salford

6. Ripon

7. Nottingham

8. Oxford

9. Lichfield

10. Hereford

Now, there doesn’t seem to be any scientific backing behind these results (which explains Nottingham being so high up), but there have been surveys carried out under more trustworthy circumstances. For example, YouGov carried out a poll on 2018 adults and asked the same question (but included the whole of the UK). Their results looked like this:

Slightly different, although RP still has a strong showing (if we count Oxford in the first survey as that, anyway), but London is slightly less attractive in this one.

Dating app Happn also did a similar survey, finding the top six most attractive accents to be:

1. Received Pronunciation/Home Counties
2. Irish
3. Scottish
4. Sloane
5. Geordie
6. Cockney

They also found Mancunian to be one of the least attractive.

So essentially, what we’ve learned here, is that if you speak like a posh wanker, for some reason, people will fancy you. This is frustrating to me, because I often have to watch Made In Chelsea with the sound off and the subtitles on, because sometimes the “Owe Miyy Goorrd” and “Nowe she dad-ent, thaht ess sowe baahd” gets a bit too much for me.

And either way, they’re all wrong, because everyone knows the sexiest accent is Geordie, and every time you (I) meet a Geordie girl, you (I) get extremely over-excited and ruin everything almost immediately. You (I’m an) idiot.

You can check out Lovin Manchester’s full (and incorrect) list here.

(Image: Rex)