When Terry 'The Bulge' Wogan passed away in January, we waved goodbye to one of the greatest piss-ripping cynics of our time. His annual grumpy take-down of the Eurovision Song Contest transformed the competition into a national obsession (despite the fact that it is, at the end of the day, rigged and rubbish in equal measure).
But something weird happened on Sunday. Something that our Terry would have definitely approved of: Eurovision became self-aware.
In an interval act during the Grand Final, hosts Måns Zelmerlöw and Petra Mede decided to give a detailed, self-deprecating guide to winning the contest based on all of the past winners. "We sent all the 63 winning songs to a scientific lab in Switzerland where some of the brightest minds in modern science took these songs and broke them down into molecules, and then carefully pieced them back together again".
The ensuing breakdown, alongside the genuinely incredible song and dance number called 'Love, Love, Peace, Peace' (featuring a guy in a hamster wheel, a perfectly executed shirt rip and a return from last year's Polish milkmaids) was genuinely the most hilarious thing to happen on Eurovision since the British public conspired to vote for Daz Sampson.
Watch the performance above, and check out the scientifically-endorsed guide to the perfect Eurovision number below...
Make an entrance
"Step 1: Get everyone’s attention. A powerful and majestic start. Maybe a battle horn of some kind."
Get a banging granny
"Step 2: Drums. There has to be drums. It doesn’t hurt if the drums are played by gorgeous topless men, it’s proven very efficient over the years. But it’s also proven very beneficial to go the exact opposite way – use a grandmother."
Delve into history
"Step 3: Show your country’s ethnic background by using an old traditional folklore instrument that nobody’s ever heard of before."
Bring the strings
"Step 4: Trust us, bring a violin."
Spin some discs
"Step 5: This might all make it feel a little old-fashioned. But this can easily be fixed by adding a DJ who pretends to scratch. In real life of course this is 30 years old. But in Eurovision it will give your number a contemporary feel."
Show some skin to win.
"Step 6: Costumes. You need to look memorable. Some that the viewers will notice."
Choose peace and love
"Step 7: Your song is essential. Make it something that everyone can connect to. Love works. Peace is also a popular one."
