Get ready to cry into your caviar: Waitrose is making it harder to get free coffee

My favourite supermarket is Lidl, solely because of the ridiculous strength of its life-changing potato salad – seriously get your arse down to the nearest Lidl and stock up, it’s ungodly. It genuinely takes every ounce of my strength to not pop a tub open right there, in the aisle, and do the rest of my shopping whilst scooping palm-fulls of its sweet, sweet goodness into my fat, dislocated trap as I walk around.

But I’m not here to talk about Lidl (don’t get me started, I’ll back you into a fucking corner), I’m here to talk about Waitrose. I use it the least out of all the supermarkets, but when I fancy a treat, I’ll nip in for some of that posh garlic rippy bread or something. Also, they’re the only place I can get Popchips, and ya’ll know I gotsa get my Popchips.

Anyway, I once went into Waitrose with my “middle class” mate, and he immediately went over to a coffee machine and poured himself a free coffee. What, Waitrose shoppers have it all on a plate. Or in a cup, anyway. I don’t even drink coffee (makes me sweat), but obviously I still went to get one because it was free – only to have his hand placed on my chest as he sneered “It’s not for you.”

I didn’t have a myWaitrose card, was the problem – that meant I didn’t qualify for free coffee or tea, due to me being an unkempt plebian, I assume.

But HAHAHAHAHA all you poshos – you can’t do that anymore. You can’t just nip into Waitrose for a free coffee and then doss off back out again like a floppy-haired cat burglar – you’re going to have to pay for it in the future.

Well, sort of, anyway – in order to claim your free hot beverage, you’ll actually have to buy something first. An email sent out to the elite this morning, said: “Our myWaitrose free tea and coffee offer is one of the ways we thank our customers for shopping with us – and we want all our customers to be able to enjoy a free hot drink when they shop with us in our branches. From 3 April, we'll simply be asking myWaitrose members to make a purchase before collecting their cup at the checkout. 

“We would like to thank you in advance for your understanding.”

You’re a clever little so-and-so, though, aren’t you? You're just going to pay 5p for a plastic bag and then bang out a coffee straight after.

Well, NO YOU’RE NOT, because Waitrose has listed the items that will not lead to a free coffee:

• A 5p bag
• Tobacco
• Stamps
• Mobile or e-top up vouchers
• A lottery ticket
• A gift voucher

Luckily, chewing gum, or “one onion” aren’t on that list so I’m sure you’ll be alright. Oh, and if you do happen to nip in, could you grab me some washing powder please? My bed sheets are fucking coated in potato salad.