Gin & tonics are good for hayfever (and other things we learned this week)
A lovely excuse to continue drinking
This site is very dangerous to that brain of yours - constantly filling it with new, exciting information, making it swell, press against your skull, leak out your ears. We can’t help it though - we’re a fact machine, a news converyor belt, a scoop factory - it’s just what we do.
And what, exactly, has been causing the rapid increase in the capacity of your cranium this week? Well, probably all of this:
The Rock will not be running for president in 2020
Sorry guys, there shall be no press conferences in which the president of the United States elbows the opposition through a table - we’ll have to wait at least another six years for that kind of carry on.
Read more here.
The plane of the future will be a tube of nightmares
Getting a plane somewhere is already not a nice experience - you don’t have enough space, you’re not allowed to get your Bluetooth speaker out and get a beer bong going - but the future is even worse. A company has ‘solved’ the problem of ‘space’ on flights, and have created a new airline seat that will cram a load more people on every plane, absolutely eliminating leg-room in one disgusting swoop. This is hell. We are in hell now.
Read more here.
The world of competitive Donkey Kong might be even odder than you’d think
Yeah, it’s a thing - they made a whole film about it, the fantastic King Of Kong, which you should watch immedaitely. Like, actually immediately. Doesn’t matter what you’re doing. You’re on the motorway - don’t care. Doing a skydive - don’t care. Having open-heart surgery - don’t care.
Anyway, we catch up with the villain of the movie here (potential spoiler warnings if you ain’t seen it yet).
Would you play Donkey Kong against this man? No, because who plays Donkey Kong? Nerds
You can be an actual dinosaur for 50 quid
Modern science is unfathomable, it is impossible to understand it. The technological advances we are able to experience are beyond the realm of human comprehension, we are truly living in an age of miracles. This statement is fully confirmed by the introduction of a revolutionary scientific procedure that can literally turn you into a dinosaur. You won’t believe it, but it’s 100% true.
Read more here.
If you’re too scared to touch raw meat, but still want to eat it, Sainsbury’s has your back
Turns out a lot of people are scared of raw meat - millennials in particular - and SOMETHING MUST BE DONE ABOUT IT. So step up Sainsbury’s, who have created packaging for raw chicken that enables the ‘chef’ to shove it in the pan without even touching it. First dinosaurs, now this - we’re living in the year 3000!
Read more here.
There are a lot of very exciting movies coming this summer, aren’t there
So many of them, so many explosions, so much punching, a million kicks, ooooh weeeeeeee.
Read about all of them here.
Are there enough superhero movies? No. THERE SHALL NEVER BE
London’s parks are full of wankers
Some more than others though, so we’ve helpfully ranked them by exactly how wanky each one of them is. This is important journalism.
Find out if you are a wanker here.
There will be a female-directed Star Wars film (finally)
Bit of a boys’ club, is Star Wars - lots of big important men back-slapping each other and loudly laughing with their heads flung right back. Thankfully though, a change is afoot - Lucasfilm are getting the wheels in motion to push forward a franchise installment directed and/or written by a woman. It’s taken long enough.
Read more here.
Every Brexit scenario will leave us in the proverbial ‘shit’
Then again, you probably knew that already, didn’t you? A disaster on the world’s stage - get ready to face a fallout of gargantuan proportions, and there’s nothing you can do about it! What a time to be alive!
Read about all our possible routes towards a fiery hell here.
Don’t worry though - she’s on the case!
Certain jobs are way sexier on dating apps than others
There are jobs out there that aren’t exactly conducive to wooing an object of your affection, but we won’t mention them just in case anyone reading actually is a professional maggot eater or something. On the other end of the scale, some jobs are proper sexy if you stick them on your dating profile. So which one should you lie about? Well, head on over here and we’ll tell you, you charlatan!
Gin and tonics will help you to stop those damn sneezes this summer
How are those eyes of yours? A burning ribbed patchwork of agony? What about your nose? A dripping slime-chamber of bee-stings? You’ve probably got hayfever then mate - the most wet and boring of ailments, yet still one of the most very frustrating. Suppose you’ve been bunging inhalers up your nozz and popping antihistamines like they’re going out of fashion, haven’t you? Punk! All you need is a gin and tonic!
Find out why here.
Jimmi Simpson is TV’s nicest weirdo
He’s in everything you like - Westworld, It’s Always Sunny, Black Mirror - and he is consistently one of the best things in them. As such, ask yourself this: “Would I like to read an interview with him?”
The answer to that is “Yes”, and that very interview can be read here.
If this picture doesn’t make you want to read the interview, then you are beyond our help, apologies
See you in approximately seven days, countdown fans!
(Images: Getty/Shortlist)
