A Game of Thrones virgin guessed the plots of key episodes just from their titles

Words: Amelia Tait

Hi, everyone. Welcome. Take a seat. I have a deep, dark, and terrible confession to make. I stole my housemate's Grab Bag of Wotsits and ate them with a spoon so the telltale dust would not stain my fingers. But also, ALSO, I have never seen Game of Thrones. 

Like early Christians, or people who wear fishnet gloves, I belong to a group of highly persecuted individuals whose only crime is crusading against society's stringently-enforced norms. So, in my final act of rebellion (slash to feel less cripplingly, cripplingly alone) I decided to guess the plots of infamous Game of Thrones episodes - just from their titles. 

The Door, Season 6

Jon Snow (the only character I know by name and is therefore starring in every single episode henceforth) orders a new door from the Wickes its-got-their-name-on-it Winter (it's coming) range. 

After placing an order for a sweet little five-paneled interior oak offering, Snow is forced to wait at home for his new door. With only himself and this frozen-looking-dude for company, Snow wallows in introspective pity, asking himself whether thrones, and games of them, are really worth all this drama after all. 

Also, someone flashes their boobs.  

The Bear and the Maiden Fair, Season 3

The Maiden Fair, an annual event where loads of maidens are put up for sale and/or ride the Teacups, is crashed by a gigantic fucking bear.

After a quick go on the Hook-A-Duck, said bear tries to choose a maiden to take home with him and his brand new goldfish. Hijinks ensue.

Also, someone flashes their boobs. 

The Dance of Dragons, Season 5

Dragons dance. Loads.

(Also someone flashes their boobs.)

And Now His Watch is Ended, Season 3

Jon Snow's brand new digital Casio with the gummy straps arrives, and he proudly wears it around all the games, and all the thrones. 

Jealous of his new wrist-candy, another character (possibly a dragon or a bear) steals it in the night and chucks it into the clogged kitchen sink. 

Fortunately, Snow payed £50 extra to get a watch impervious to water, and his watch was totally not ended. 

Later, however, the bear-dragon eats the watch, and now. Now. Now it is ended. 

Also, someone flashes their boobs. 

The Rains of Castamere, Season 3

A rather pleasant episode, this comic-relief storyline focuses on Jon Snow putting up flood defences for the forecasted rains. 

As his door won't arrive for an entire extra three seasons, Snow has to makeshift an alternative out of cloaks and probably, thrones.

Also, someone flashes their boobs. 

Battle of the Bastards, Season 6

At the annual get together of Bastards in Orlando, Florida, two bastards named Stebbins and Holeworth get in a fight in the queue for popcorn. 

Due to rising tensions about what constitutes a bastard (Stebbins: illegitimate sons, Holeworth: people who walk three astride on Oxford Street), a mass-brawl breaks out and the convention is cancelled forever.

Also, someone flashes their boobs.