We asked the ‘sh*tty Gandhi’, AKA Josh Ostrovsky, how to live a life filled with models, mayhem and an ostrich called Bradley Cooper
1. Convince your dad you’re not a porn star
“He tells his friends I’m an adult entertainer. I don’t even know what I do for a living, how can my parents explain it?”
2. Embrace the internet with your whole heart
“I really love the internet, more than my family. I’d have sex with the internet, I’d like it be my life partner.”
3. Say yes to everything
“I get invited to weird stuff. One time I went to Cannes with Saudi Arabian billionaires on a yacht and they had an ostrich named Bradley Cooper. The weirder and more uncomfortable it gets, the better.”
4. Always interact with your fans
“This model on Instagram would DM me all the time. I said to her – I was joking – ‘Mail me some of your pubic hair and I’ll send you a video of me smoking it out of a pipe’. She did, and I did, and then I got sick. Don’t smoke pubic hair. It’ll make you nauseous.”
5. But avoid ‘f*cking terrifying’ comments
“I get Ukrainian teenagers telling me they want to kill me. Or girls telling me they want to bronze my penis and wear it as a necklace.”
6. Also, don’t put Winona Ryder’s number on Twitter
“I was at a party with this girl and took the SIM card out of her phone when she was in the bathroom. I put it in my phone, saw she had celebrity numbers and put them on Twitter. I was like: ‘You should prank call Winona Ryder, say crazy shit to her.’ But then 7,000 teens called her and she had to change her number. And that’s shitty because when you’ve had your number for a long time you don’t want to have to change it. My bad, Winona.”
7. Avoid ‘stealing’ jokes, if you can
“The internet is like a giant spring break where STIs are flying around. Everyone is sharing everything. But now [after accusations of nabbing other comics’ jokes and reposting on his Instagram], if I get way deep in the arse of the internet and can’t find where something is originally from, I won’t put it up. I want people to get the credit. Obviously it sucked, but we went back and attributed everything.”
8. Come up with solid business ventures
“I’m bringing out the world’s first electronic dance music cologne. I’m doing it with Diplo.”
9. But maybe it’s best to ignore everything The Fat Jew says
“I think real life is about to make a huge comeback, like URL (online) versus IRL (in real life). People are going to burn out on social media. There’s enough pictures of babies, sunsets and your fucking chia salad. If the internet was gone, I’d go to raves and do stuff I used to do.”
Money Pizza Respect by Josh ‘The Fat Jew’ Ostrovsky is out now (Hardie Grant, £16.99)
(Images: Guerin Blask)
