Jeremy Clarkson Officially Sacked By The BBC

In the least surprising news of the day, Jeremy Clarkson has been officially sacked by the BBC. 

The broadcaster reached the decision not to renew his contract after an internal investigation revealed the blindingly obvious fact that he had, in fact, punched a producer after a disagreement about food.

The extremely necessary inquiry, found that Clarkson verbally abused Oisin Tymon for 20 minutes before launching a 30-second physical assault on the producer at a luxury Yorkshire hotel.

Tony Hall, the Director General, said in a statement “It is with great regret that I have told Jeremy Clarkson today that the BBC will not be renewing his contract.  It is not a decision I have taken lightly.  I have done so only after a very careful consideration of the facts and after personally meeting both Jeremy and Oisin Tymon.”

He also said that “This decision should in no way detract from the extraordinary contribution that Jeremy Clarkson has made to the BBC.  I have always personally been a great fan of his work and Top Gear.  Jeremy is a huge talent.  He may be leaving the BBC but I am sure he will continue to entertain, challenge and amuse audiences for many years to come.

"The BBC must now look to renew Top Gear for 2016.  This will be a big challenge and there is no point in pretending otherwise.”

We know exactly how the BBC can renew Top Gear: by hiring Alan Partridge, or one of these equally qualified candidates.

No word yet on whether Clarkson has asked anyone to “smell his cheese”.