8 express grooming treatments for the discerning yet curious man

Your skin is dry. Your eyes have got actual shopping bags underneath them. Your hair looks like that of a scarecrow. A squirt of Nivea and a daily dose of Herbal Essences isn’t going to cut it here, you need to book yourself in for a professional treatment.

Yes, we know it can be daunting for men to step into a world that is predominantly thought of as “feminine”, but it’s 2016 and that outdated thought is bullshit. Would you rather grow up to look like actual testicles by the time your 50 or appear fresh and youthful because you’ve had the odd facial and used some professional haircare products? Exactly, no ball features for you.

To ease you into this, we’ve highlighted a few must-try express men’s grooming treatments, so you can be in-and-out like a shot but still feel the benefits.

Elemis speed spa facial, 30 minutes

This quick but effective tailored facial massage sequence boosts circulation, while moisture and nutrients are restored using premium Elemis products in their men’s speed spa, designed for the modern man who loves Excel sheets and having meetings about having meetings. Not London based? You can also add one of these on to your spa day at various Aqua Sana spas, which can be found at a load of Center Parcs around the country. Great if you have kids and want to escape their incessant whining for chicken nuggets and Peppa Pig.

Cost: from £29

Location: House of Elemis, London, W1S 1EX and Center Parcs Aqua Sana spas

Ted Baker’s Grooming Room brow threading, 15 minutes

Ted's Grooming Room Brow Threading Walk In from Teds Grooming Room on Vimeo.

It’s an unfortunate incident, but it happens to the best of us. Some men’s eyebrows get to the point of aging where they look like those of a rockhopper penguin, so they have to be kept in shape. Ted Baker’s Grooming Room offers a threading (where a barber uses cotton thread to cleanly pluck stray hairs from your face) service which can be added on to your regular haircut, so you don’t have to feel embarrassed about just going in to have yours brows done.

Cost: £12.50

Location: Various London

Murdock’s manicure, 15 minutes

You know what women hate? Men who have nails like Pete Doherty. No one wants a man with the cleanliness of a skag head, so keep your cuticles clear with Murdock London’s speedy manicure, where they’ll properly trim and shape your nails, push any tissue back, and massage the hands.

Cost: £22

Location: Various London

Ruffians Refresher, 15 minutes

Skin consultation, exfoliating facial scrub, soothing hot towel, upper body message, hydrating facial moisturiser, face massage, personalised skincare advice – all of this squeezed into 15 minutes. The perfect remedy for a violent hangover, because a) it’ll refresh your dried out skin and b) the short time frame will lower your chances of vomiting in a barber’s chair.

Cost: £15

Locations: London and Edinburgh

James Harknett spray tan, 30 minutes

We’re not talking about going full on Essex mode here, we’re talking about keeping up appearances and not looking like vampiric Twilight extra through the winter months by topping up with with a golden spray tan so subtle it’ll just look like you’ve been for a weekend away rather than a trip to the sun. James Harknett’s fake tans for men are non stick and are suitable for facial and body hair, as wel as beimng contoured to your body shape for definition.

Cost: £50

Location: W Hotel, London, W1D 6QF

Urban Massage, from 15 minutes

Why leave the house for a relaxing, therapeutic, treatment? This is 2016 for God’s sake.If we can get gourmet fried chicken and booze delivered to our door, we can get massages. Urban Massage allows you to book deep tissue, sports, Thai style and calming massages through an app, kind of like you would with Uber, checking out masseuses profiles for their descriptions and reviews. You can even get them to your office for a cheeky 15 minute massage, the ideal solution to a mid-week hangover.

Cost: Prices vary

Locations: All over London, Manchester, Birmingham, Edinburgh, Glasgow

Drakes of London chest waxing, 20 minutes

If you’re bordering on an Austin Powers level of chest hair, please don’t try and shave it yourself. You’ll only get the razor caught in it, then it’ll grow back all prickly and gross. Go for a private wax instead and have someone else deal with your own personal jungle. It’s only 20 minutes long, so you can deal with the pain. WE BELIEVE IN YOU.

Cost: £20

Location: Various London

Joe and Co. dandruff hair treatment and massage, 15 minutes

If it looks likes it’s snowing every time you step outside, even when it’s July, chances are you’ve got a spot of dandruff. But before you bulk buy Head & Shoulders, explore some other luxurious options, such as a dandruff hair treatment from Joe and Co., where they cleanse your hair with a purifying gel made with antifungal and antibacterial materials designed to keep your scalp clean and healthy. And if that wasn’t good enough, they also give you a massage in your chair. Happy days.

Cost: £15

Location: 22 Peter Street, London W1F 0AG