Bet you regret it, don’t you? Bet you’re right pissed off that you didn’t apply. Could’ve got a free holiday, mate! Could’ve been quite famous for a bit! But no, you scuffed it, you absolutely Jez’d it - what a shame.
But then again, would you have actually got onto Love Island if you’d applied? Would they have let you on, with your lanky arms and your pasty chest and your strained belly like a snake who’s just swallowed an elk? Thinking about it: no, no you wouldn’t have got on.
But you’ve got a whole year until the next series is on, so you have time to prepare - and I’m going to help you increase your chances of success. Below is a comprehensive list of alterations to your very being that are essential, should you want to appear on the show. In fact, they are so informed and precise, that if you follow each and every one, you shall become the ULTIMATE Love Island contestant. You shall be 100% a Universal Soldier on paper.
Right, let’s sort you out:
Is this you? IT COULD BE.
Your Accent
This is extremely important, and is often a matter of life (coupling) or death (death). If we boil it down, here, your best bet is to go with an Essex accent - everybody has one, it is friendly, funny, and absolutely conducive to the cheeky chappy persona that you will have to cultivate. Other accents it’s good to have are : Scouse, Brummie, Geordie and West Country - they’re all safe bets.
Essentially, make sure you absolutely do not use Received Pronunciation (RP), ie. the Queen’s/Oxford English - any sort of relatively posh accent will spell immediate ostracisation from the villa. If you are perceived to be well-to-do to even the smallest extent, then you’re a big old nerd and you do not deserve human contact. Kisses are off-limits, and if you think that willy is coming out, you’ve got another thing coming, you nerd! What are you? The Queen’s dad?
Your Body
Firstly, get a tan, you berk - this isn’t Most Haunted. The sad truth is: if you are a man, and you do not have a tan, then you are - for some reason - no better than dog shit. White dog shit, obviously.
Then, get to the god-dammit-darn gym. The more muscles you have, the higher up the pecking order you are in the villa - this is 100% the way it works, and the sooner you recognise this, the better. In the eyes of both the men and the women, if you creep into the villa with a pair of spindly arms blowing like pine needles in the wind, then you are a child, and you are both unfanciable, and also a figure of ridicule. You. Must. Not. Be. Thin.
Disclaimer: this does not apply to your legs. Ignore your legs. Skip leg day to such an extent that you forget what it is and what they are. Hell to legs, they’re for spiders.
Oh and get a big sleeve tattoo that means absolutely sod-all while you’re at it.
Veneers that will blast people’s eyes through the back of their fucking head, will help too
Job
Strangely, it is a particular brand of human that goes on Love Island, and that brand is actively repulsed by “good jobs”. If you are, say, a doctor - an attractive prospect for most - then you ain’t getting no snogs, buster - the fact that you are intelligent is a turn-off. So what you need to do, is just do sales, I reckon. That way, you can earn loads of money but you don’t have to go to university. Sell cars, preferably, but other things like pens are also worth a punt.
Aside from that, just be a model, but that of course depends on your actual face, which by the looks of things, will be extremely expensive to correct.
Your Status Prior To Entering The Villa
It’s very advantageous to prepare for your stint in the villa by making some proverbial “moves” before entry. What this can mean is either getting yourself on the “club scene” and making friends with Z-listers (ex-Love Island contestants will work), and/or doing something a bit famous.
“Something a bit famous” can amount to: being an ex-member of a moderately successful rap group; wining a large beauty pageant; or being born off a famous man. This, in the easily-dazzled microcosm of Love Island, is enough clout for you to become a major player. In a world where everyone looks the same, you need something to stand out, and if that is something as exciting as “being someone’s son”, then you’ve got to flog that horse until it explodes.
If you can swap your pubes for your head-hair, that would also be swell
***FASHION SPECIAL***
There’s a very specific part of the fashion world which it seems caters almost exclusively to the reality TV show crowd - brands like The Couture Club, Gym King, Hera and obviously boohooMAN are plastered all over the Insta accounts of ex-contestants. Pick one of these brands, and it’ll be like when you see desperately sad Mini drivers wave at each other - you’ll be accepted into the pack immediately.
T-shirts
Must be tight, and either black or white. No real exceptions here - mainly because big, obvious brand logos aren’t allowed on telly. Keep it simple.
Shirts
You’ve got free reign with these - can be lairy for the day time (the top four buttons MUST be undone though) or plain for “a date” - no steadfast rules here, either.
Jeans
Must have rips in and be extremely tight - think, cutting off the bloody supply to the crotch, tight. A lovely pair of spray-on skinnies from Topman should do the trick. Oh, and white, preferably.
Shorts
Go wild with these - really doesn’t matter. AS LONG AS THEY ARE VERY VERY SHORT.
Shoes
A pair of these, basically:
***END OF FASHION SPECIAL***
What to say
Regardless of your actual interests, it is strongly advised to talk about nothing else but “relationships”. So, past ones, current ones, what you’re looking for, girls, boys, kissing, shagging et al. You can also stretch to proudly proclaiming yourself as “deep”, but make sure you don’t actually ever go any deeper than simply repeating that you are “deep”.
Aside from that, the only other topics of conversation can be “I was in Blazin’ Squad” or “My dad is Danny Dyer” or “My dad was Miss Great Britain and also in Blazin’ Squad.”
You absolutely cannot talk about anything of worth - it will immediately mark you out as a big huffing dork and you shall be shunned. However, if on the rare occasion that a cast member that you are interested in shows a modicum of intelligence, then - much like Jamie did with Camilla last year - you are allowed to show your worth by saying something like “I’ve read a book before”. This will lead to sex because really, you don’t have to actually do much to get anywhere in this godforsaken villa.
What to do
This is not Ex On The Beach, so don’t get pissed, basically. It’s hard to, seeing as it’s not exactly an open bar in the villa, but getting right blotto will bring you a wealth of unwanted attention. Be nice, have “banter”, don’t do anything too childish (I’m out), don’t be a creep (you can still be a brazen dickhead though) and you’ll endear yourself to the opposite sex, because they merely require the bare minimum in personality in this greasy bubble.
Really, all you need to focus on is strutting, preening, pouting and just generally cock-of-the-walking. Act like the big man, 24 hours a day, and things will work out for you. Providing of course you’re tanned, have a six-pack, are from Essex, sell pens, have a famous dad, are wearing white jeans, are deeply boring and/or have read a book and are desperate for fame to a concerning level. That, of course, and are willing to do a night-vision shag on national television.
Get down the gym you swollen pig!
That’s your lot, basically. Follow all these rules and you will guarantee yourself a spot on the show, and also the winning prize money. You are the Ultimate Love Islander and nothing will stand in your way. Now, off to find a famous dad!
(Images: ITV)
