Here are all the compulsively watchable violent bits from the new 'Predator' trailer

That big-headed E.T ain’t messing around this time, no siree. 

There’s a new Predator movie coming out, and you are absolutely forgiven for being so excited you could scream at any moment, like, just any possible moment, no matter where you are, just suddenly and urgently let out a gigantic scream. 

You’re on the tube, maybe, and you suddenly remember that, yes, The Predator is out this month and there it is: a gigantic scream, right there in your seat, the passengers around you immediately and desperately fearing for their safety. But that’s how excited about a new Predator movie you are, and that is absolutely fine, there is no judgement here.

Anyway, they’ve just released its final trailer because it’s out on the 13th September and that is very close indeed - also, it’s a RED BAND one, which means it’s got loads of swearing and violence in it. As such, we thought it necessary and enriching to have a look at it and analyse every time someone gets their guts whacked out by that dreadlocked wonder they call the Predator (FYI: this Predator costume still isn’t beaten for cuteness or terror).

The film’s refresh is coming to us all hot and bloody from Shane Black, director of Iron Man 3, The Nice Guys and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and it will also star Shane Black, Boyd Holbrook, Olivia Munn and Jacob Tremblay, which fills us with a lot of hope. And… well, shall we just watch the trailer, yeah? It’s gotta be better than Predator: The Musical.

Here we go then:

AAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIII!!!!

And now the juicy bits:

That looks like some bloke, there, hanging upside down, courtesy of the Predator. He likes to hang people upside down once he’s killed them, you see - it’s like his own personal way of showing off. “Look, I’ve just pulled this dude’s spine out, and here he is hanging upside from a tree, who wants a kiss?” he might say.

Oh goodness, that’s a big old spear flying through some poor old grunt right there. And what’s cool is, it sticks into the wall (or a truck or something, whatever it is) and there’s a load of blood on it, and probably a bit of guts as well. 

The Predator doesn’t care about causing damage to ancillary objects in his quest to dead as many humans as extra-terrestrially possible, he is absolutely reckless.

Not really sure what’s happening here, but someone is getting punched round the head by a Predator, aren’t they? There was a variation of this scene in an earlier trailer where it looks like that head eventually comes off, but who knows? 

Either way, one thing that is painfully certain: this person is probably not having a very nice time of it, when all is considered.

Here’s the best one: some sap getting absolutely thwacked in half by a big flying blade and just fully exploding in the woods - how embarassing. 

The others maybe just got a small hole in their chest or a quick slice through their neck, but this guy, wow, he has well and truly been double-mugged off by the Predator, just fully parred in a public arena and made to look a right pillock. Gutted! Literally!

Phwaor! Body-slam then a big old stab in front of loads of people. The Predator sure doesn’t care about belittling workers in front of their peers, does he - if you’re in his way, then he’s gonna absolutely dash your pants off in a way you’ve never experienced. 

You are such a wimp compared to him, and he is going to rightly humiliate you for it.

Blink-and-you’ll-miss-it death here, but that guy in the top right is getting his shit-kicked in some way, isn’t he? All that blood on the wall? He’s not having a great day at the office. 

Also: two other casualties here as well, one on the floor and one getting dragged away - Pred’s going buckwild, and he don’t care who knows it!

Hey, Big P, calm it down a bit, no? Really going it for it here, aren’t ya? You’ve probably got the desired effect after one punch with your bladed fist - there’s no real need to carry on decking that guy to such an extent, people will start to think you’re a bit of a maniac.

Only joking, do it more. DO IT MORE.

So, to conclude: this is what we want to see, isn’t it? None of this bloodless, off-screen AVP nonsense, just Mr. P. Red kicking our whiny arses new ones, left, right and centre. This is going to be good. And if it’s not, I shall scream. So, screaming either way then, as usual.

(Image: 20th Century Fox)