The average cost of a date in Britain is £129 - one hundred and twenty-nine

Right, so: according to a new study from the Centre for Economics and Business Research, couples in the UK spend an average of £129 between them per date. This is apparently “more than twice” as much spent in other, clearly more reasonable, countries like France (£46), Italy (£47) and Sweden (£41).

Far be it for us to judge how people spend their money, but also: what the fuck. What the fuck. Who is spending £129 on a date and how. Also: why? Does anyone even have £129 to spend on a date, or have we all just become so used to being in our overdrafts and knowing that we’ll never own property that £129 seems like a reasonable amount of money to spend on a futile attempt to feel the warm but ultimately disconnected touch of another human? 

ANYWAY: even when you look at how the numbers allegedly break down, the study still makes no sense. £11.50 on transport is pretty reasonable, sure, but £7.20 on gifts? A quick browse on a few “gifts under £10” lists and all we could find for £7.20 were “stainless steel straws” and a set of Banksy playing cards, both of which would probably mitigate any need for contraceptives (£4.70, apparently).

Food and drink accounts for the biggest chunk of the money – £61.50 between two, with which you could order FOUR ENTIRE CHICKENS or LITERALLY SIXTY WINGS in Nando’s. Fine – according to research from Majestic Wines last year, an average bottle of wine costs £8. But that’s still £53.50 to spend on… literally… sixty... wings?

Bad maths aside, the research is moot anyway due to two unavoidable factors:

1. The only socially acceptable first date is, obviously, four to five drinks in a badly-lit pub, and anything else is an aberration 
2. We’re all going to die alone anyway. Sorry.