Your job stinks. You can't remember the last significant life plans you made that didn't revolve around a TV schedule. You need a kick, a fix, something to get you going again. Something as thrilling as a Tarantino movie - but without the legal consequences.
Rather than gaining a vicarious buzz from the works of one of the greatest directors of modern cinema, we thought we'd compile a bucket list - aimed at his fans, inspired by his characters and stories.
From culinary experiences to new hobbies, one-off dares to must-have purchases, this list of activities will sort out your next few holidays and bored weekends, helping you enter the headspace of several of your favourite Tarantino characters.
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Taste a Big Kahuna Burger
Pulp Fiction
No doubt you've heard they've got some tasty burgers over at that Hawaiian burger joint. Now's your chance to find out what all the fuss is about, and sate your longing to try one of the most iconic pieces of food from Tarantino's work.
We've called upon the culinary skills of Dave Watts, head chef at The Cotswold House Hotel, to help come up with a fitting recipe for the mother of all burgers. Head over to our guide, buy yourself some ingredients and clear your Saturday. You're going to eat big.
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Participate in a twist contest
Pulp Fiction
Do you wanna dance? Do you wanna win? Do you want a trophy? Then you best do as you're told and get yourself to an appropriately Jack Rabbit Slim's-themed American diner - like London's Roadhouse or JB's American Diner of Brighton.
But you can't dance? We don't believe you. Anyone can dance the twist. Take off your shoes, bend your knees and channel your inner Travolta - or, attempt to follow the steps of Niege Borges' helpful dance poster.
Failing that, you could book yourself a lesson with the London Swing Dance Society, where they'll teach you to twist, jive and pull muscles you didn't even know you had. Just don't try anything with your boss's girl - that sort of thing never ends well.
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Play "Who Am I"
Inglourious Basterds
No one enjoys the tension of a room full of strangers - particularly if there are undeclared agendas at hand. What you need is a good old fashioned drinking game to take the edge off the mood.
While Inglourious Basterds' round of "Who Am I?" doesn't finish too well for those involved, it proves an entertaining distraction for the moments it lasts. For added Tarantino effect, players must compete with their best German and British accents. Watch the clip to learn the rules. Good luck if you find yourself with Confucius or Doctor Fu Manchu...
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Drink a $5 milkshake
Pulp Fiction
For the sake of your arteries, please don't try this one in the same week as the Big Kahuna burger.
The 'other' great gastro sensation of Tarantino's work is the taste of a $5 shake.
While there's no such thing as an authentic Tarantino shake, we've come up with the next best thing: a make-your-own guide by our man Dave Watts. Fire up the liquidiser and prepare to try a pretty fucking good milkshake.
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Leave a tip at Pat and Lorraine's Coffee Shop
Reservoir Dogs
Alright, we'll take care of the cheque, you can get the tip. Should be about a buck a piece.
Whether you think tipping is for the birds or a vital part of the income of female non-college graduates, any fan of Reservoir Dogs will enjoy a lively debate around the tables of Pat and Lorraine's Coffee Shop in Eagle Rock, Los Angeles. Serving coffee (hopefully refilling it at least six times), breakfast and sandwiches, this family-run dinner has barely changed since Tarantino and co. swung by in 1992. Regardless of whether you're leaving an extra 12 percent, be warned that they only accept cash.
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Purchase some authentic Japanese steel
Kill Bill Vol. 1
If you have vermin to kill (or bucket lists to tick off - please don't actually kill mice with a sword), you're going to need to get some Japanese steel.
In addition to being unspeakably cool, the traditional methods of Japanese swordmaking require years of study and practice. From selecting the right pieces of charcoal to ensure the correct forging temperature is maintained, to the labour-intensive folding procedure, one smith might create a maximum of only two swords a month.
Anyone looking to dig a little deeper than owning their own sword should check out the Nihon Bijutsu Token Hozon Kyokai - the Society for the Preservation of Japanese Art Swords. A trip to one of their European or Japanese branches will teach you all you need to know about the world of Japanese steel. And if on your journey you encounter God, God will be cut - though we'd stick to using it as a novelty butter knife if we were you.
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Organise an exchange in a shopping centre
Jackie Brown
Got nothing to do with your friends this weekend? Bored of wondering around the city centre without much cause. Sounds like you need some Tarantino role play to spice things up.
Now, rather than exchanging large sums of illegally obtained cash, we're proposing you recreate this memorable scene from Jackie Brown with something altogether more normal. Like brownies. Or football stickers.
First, you need to find yourself a suitable high street store - somewhere with changing rooms away from the bustle of the shop floor that guarantee you privacy. The crucial aspect of the exchange? Acquiring duplicate bags for you and your exchangee, suitably bland so as not to draw attention to your swap. Make contact with your accomplice, give them the time and the place, and proceed to feel like a total badass as you stroll out of the store with a bag full of snacks.
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Learn to box
Pulp Fiction
In the fifth, your ass goes down. Which means you need to be good enough to make it to through four rounds of boxing.
While Butch Coolidge couldn't control his "frenzy", that doesn't mean you'll gain a similar rage if you take up the sport of boxing. A sophisticated, noble sport, the cardiovascular fitness required to box through four rounds will strip the pounds off anyone brave enough to step into the ring - though you don't even have to spar to gain from the health benefits. It's one of the fittest sports you can take up - right up until the point you start getting hit in the head.
Be sure to find an licensed trainer to make sure they know what they're doing - you can find one via the Amateur Boxing Associate site for the UK.
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Learn to ride a motorbike
Various
To truly feel like a Tarantino anti-hero, you're going to need to ditch four wheels for two. From Butch Coolidge's chopper to The Bride's sports bike, being able to effortlessly kick a bike into life is the epitome of cult cool.
There are countless driving schools in the UK to earn your CBT licence (the compulsory basic training you'll need to do to get onto anything large enough to feel like a Tarantino character), while any riders who've lusted after a more cinematic experience should check out the various track days available to bikers around the country. And failing that, if you'd rather just look at the sort of wheels that Coolidge would ride off into the sunset on, then get yourself to the next meet of the UK's chopper club.
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Give your car a Winston Wolfe deep clean
Pulp Fiction
Hopefully you won't have faced the problem of tackling the stubborn stain that brains can leave on car upholstery (or so we've heard), but the methods of Winston Wolfe are still appropriate for less extreme predicaments.
Take a bunch of cleaners and cleansing products (shit like that) and get to work on the inside of the car - we're talking fast, fast, fast. Go into the back seat, and scoop up all the little pieces of rubbish you can find. Get it out of there. Wipe down the upholstery - but it doesn't need to be spick and span, you don't need to eat off it. Just give it a good once over. What you need to take care of are the really messy parts. And don't forget to have a cup of coffee, lots of cream, lots of sugar - it's thirsty work.
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Learn to play the bamboo flute
Kill Bill Vol. 2
An altogether more tranquil entry to the list, we doubt many in your office can boast to being a master of the bamboo flute.
An ancient instrument with many variants around the world, the one played by Bill in Kill Bill Vol. 2 is widely known as a Kung Fu bamboo flute, or Chinese bamboo flute. Cut from a single span of bamboo, each instrument will have its own unique properties and feel. To learn how to play, there are literally hundreds of tutorials available on YouTube (this one is a particularly useful introduction). Helpful for meditation or writing a catchy ditty, it'll turn more heads at your next camp fire than a guitar rendition of Wonder Wall.
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Drive with a stuntman
Death Proof
Nothing will make you feel more alive than the smell of burning rubber, the sight of death-defying stunts and the sensation of being flung around a stunt car (with a seatbelt).
While no one will want to experience the same ride that Pam received from Stuntman Mike, getting into an appropriately reinforced car with a fully qualified professional is going to be one drive you'll remember for the rest of your life. Groups like Stunt Drive UK will give you a crash course (without crashing, hopefully) in stunt driving skills, while Extreme Dodgems of Birmingham will let you experience the metal-on-metal brutality of Death Proof without losing a limb. Hopefully.
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Eat apple strudel at the Cafe Einstein
Inglorious Bastards
Have you tried the strudel at the Cafe Einstein? It's not so terrible...
We're afraid you're not able to visit the Chez Maurice of Paris in which Josef Goebbels torments the poor Shosanna - because it doesn't actually exist. But you can make a trip to the Berlin restaurant in which this tense scene was filmed. The Cafe Einstein and its Bar Lebensstern is steeped in significant World War II history, at one point harbouring an illegal SS officer’s casino. You'll be able to drink up the atmosphere over a slice of apple strudel with lashings of cream.
If, however, you can't afford a trip to Germany for a slice of cake, you can always make your own. Check out our recipe on how to make the apple strudel here.
(Images: Rex, YouTube)
