This doctor claims that he'll increase your penis size by injecting your own blood back into it

There are many benefits to a bigger penis – it looks great in cycling shorts, you can get more elaborate tattoos on it and it’s more hygienic, because you can wash your bell-end in the toilet water while you’re having a piss. It’s the dream.

Up until now, penis enlargement techniques have ranged from the ridiculous to the incredibly dangerous. If you don’t want surgery, then you’ve got the following options:

A penis pump – This involves sticking your oak into a plastic device and sucking all the air out. It will not work and is a very embarrassing thing to have to buy. Especially when you forget to change the delivery address and it ends up at your office. Trust me.

Jelquing – This is a manual technique whereby you massage your willy wombat from the base until the head, to increase blood flow and circulation. There is no real proof that it works, and again, it is extremely embarrassing if you forget to change the address at which you do it and end up jelquing in the office. Trust me.

Pills – GET YOUR SEN A BIGGER DICK MAN reads the subject line, but a bigger dick will not result from these scams. They won’t work and can be dangerous to take as they often contain unregulated chemicals. Also, they can cause embarrassment in the office as many of them have simply the same effect as Viagra. Trust me.

Traction – This essentially involves hanging increasingly heavy weights off the end of your lizard, essentially stretching it in length. These weights are very tiny though – do not try doing this in the gym. Trust me.

After that, it gets a little more invasive:

Silicone injection – This involves stuffing a needle full of liquid silicone into your flume and pumping it up a couple of sizes. This is extremely dangerous and often ends in your wonka looking like a wet sock full of conkers. Trust me.

Finally, the only real technique to have proven results, you gotta go the surgery route:

Medical enlargement – Best to steer clear from this, as you don’t really want anyone going anywhere near your glow-worm with a knife, do you? One of the most popular procedures involves cutting the ligament that connects the penis to the pelvic bone, giving you a bit more shaft (about 2cm). Thing is, that’s only when flaccid – it doesn’t affect your lob-size whatsoever. It can also cause permanent nerve damage, which only reveals its plus points the next time you get booted in the knackers with a football. Trust me.

However, that might all be about to change. According to Dr. Norman Rowe, MD, a surgeon based in New York, he’s devised a simple, non-surgical technique to increase penis size. He calls it the “bulge booster”, and it involves injecting the patient’s own blood back into their broom. It’s already a tried-and-tested technique on other areas of the body, such as in the face – Kim Kardashian had her infamous “vampire face lift” which involved a similar process.

With this new treatment, Rowe guarantees you can add a growth of 1.5 inches to your girth (not length). He also recommends that you don’t have sex for two days after the procedure (no worries) as you run the risk of skewing the symmetry of your boner.

This all sounds very terrifying, but if it works, it could change everything. Just think how good your knob’ll feel in nobody’s hands but yours.