Over-analysing film trailers: Tommy Wiseau's new project, 'Best F(r)iends'

You all know Tommy Wiseau, don’t you? The man who created the best bad-good film of all time, The Room? Yeah, him, the guy with the hair. Anyway, he’s back, and this time he’s teaming up with his old Roommate (get it? DO YOU GET IT?), Greg Sestero, to make another film, called Best F(r)iends - here’s the trailer:

And what can we learn from it? Well, this:

Who’s in it?

• Tommy Wiseau - the man with the hair that I told you about.
• Greg Sestero - who also has hair, but has made the concentrated effort to not be defined by it. He will never win an Oscar.
• Paul Scheer - actually funny man from funny things like The League, Human Giant and Veep. Good casting, this.
• Nobody else you’ve heard of, obviously, apart from a man named Rick Edwards, but you’ve heard of the wrong one, there.

Does it have a good name?

No, it does not have a good name, because it is not immediately clear what the film is called. Is it called Best Friends or is it called Best Fiends? Or is it called Best Fuh-RUH-eeyendz? Puns that rely on parentheses never work, they are bad because it’s impossible to say two words at the same time. Whose fault is this? I blame (500) Days of Summer.

What other films does it look like?

Well, it looks like The Room, doesn’t it? It’s got the same people in it. It has Tommy Wiseau not opening his eyes the whole way, and Greg Sestero having - you know what, I absolutely am going to let him be defined by his hair, it’s an absolute monstrosity:

Aside from that, I guess they’re going for some sort of Blood Simple or A Simple Plan vibe, but - and I’m just spitballin’ here - I don’t reckon this will be as good as those two ones.

What’s the most unrealistic moment?

I’d say it’s the bit where Tommy Wiseau types in a code on an ATM, and it unlocks the front so they can nick all the money from inside. Don’t think you can do that on ATMs, can you? Pretty risky having loads of dough inside a cash machine, that you can steal if you type in a code on the front - the same place where people put in their pin numbers, pin numbers that could easily match the secret free-money code. Reckless behaviour on behalf of the manufacturer, that is, entirely safety-lax in almost every possible way.

Is the soundtrack good?

Blueurgh, maybe? Bit boring, but I guess it fits the trailer quite well. What we’ve got is two songs by the band Nice Legs (great name), the first one is ’Mighty Three’ and the second is ’End’. It’s a bit shoegaze, a bit sombre, a bit hey, we’re making a serious film here, and you better listen up, chum.

Is there a bit where a man looks at his blood-splattered palms in disbelief?

Yeah mate, there is. You may recognise this from ‘most other films’.

Are there any car chases in it?

There are cars in it, but none of them are chasing each other. I feel like if you’ve got a car chase in your movie, then you’d put it in the trailer to entice the all-important car-chase contingent - as such, I can conclude that I don’t think there are any car chases in this unpronouncable movie. And that, my zoom, skid-mark-loving petrol-heads, is as painful for me as it is for you. Not a single sodding wheel-spin? I don’t need this flagrant slug-shit.

How many explosions though?

There is some solace to be found, all is not completely lost - there is an explosion in the trailer. Unfortunately it is of the fireworks variety, and fireworks are terrible, so I’m not ready to get excited just yet. For again, I feel that if your movie has explosions in it (the more explosions, the better the movie, I’ve always found), then you’d be dropping those money shots in the trailer. We’re not getting any of that here, and I’m not impressed, Greg.

Accurate joke count

1. Tommy is doing a funny dance - looking forward to this bit.
2. That’s about it, I think, which is weird seeing as this is listed as a black comedy. Normally need jokes for it to be a comedy, in my experience. They’re the parts that make you laugh, guys

Is Tommy Wiseau trying to bring back the wallet chain?

Whoo boy is he! And I must say, I’m digging it. It stops people jacking your Animal wallet and also looks epic - gonna whip mine out again and chill by HMV. Chicks - oh god the chicks - they dig it.

Are there any questionable accents in it?

Yes, because Tommy Wiseau is in it, and he is speaking with his mystery voice. His extremely difficult to pinpoint accent, dropping the letter ‘s’ willy-nilly, not knowing when to pause and when to not, saying things like: “I have a good story for you, a famILIAR story… one guy meetanother in the BIG city, they have dream, but something channnchge… greed hatred and jealousyouunderstandthewords?” 

I love this man’s voice - there is nothing else like it on this planet - and I could listen to it for hours on end.

Is this another franchise?

Well, sort of, because they’re doing it in two parts for some reason. I mean, I reckon one should be enough - might get a bit much after a while, no? Like, just gimme a swift 90 minutes of Tom and Greggy, and then let’s be done with it, I say. Two of them, maybe not. One, yeeeeaahh, two, naaaaaaaa.

How exciting did I find this trailer, on the whole?

Is Tommy Wiseau still obsessed with guns?

I think so, yeah.

Does it star The Rock?

No, real shame this, would’ve loved to have seen Dwayne go up against Tommy, but alas, you can’t have everything you want. No matter how many letters, emails and pigs’ hearts I send The Rock, ordering him to be in the movies that specifically I want, he never does as I say. Very selfish, if you ask me.

Anyway, here’s why The Rock isn’t in this.

Does the trailer contain any goddamn spoilers?

Thankfully, I don’t think it does. The closest thing to a spoiler is the fact that (and I’m not 100% sure about this) Tommy and Greg start off as friends:

But - and correct me if I’m wrong here, just a hunch - I don’t think it stays that way:

So, when can I watch this cinematic masterpiece?

The Prince Charles Cinema (Tommy’s London home) will be showing Volume One on 6 June 2018, and Volume Two (complete with Tommy and Greg on stage) from 10 September. Book yourself in ASAP, and maybe invite some of your fuh-RUH-eeyendz, too!