Do not watch this horrendous video of the world's most dangerous rope-free rock climb

The last thing I climbed was a tree, back when I was about 16 – it was the pride and joy of my friend’s dad and was a major talking point in his beautiful garden. I sat on the very biggest branch – surely that could take the weight of an averagely-built teenaged lout with not one, but two slits shaved into his left eyebrow?

No, it could not: it snapped, destroyed the tree and my friend’s dad had a massive go at me. I actually don’t think I went round his house again.

Moral of the story: don’t climb things.

This life-motto, however, seems to have bypassed a one Alex Honnold – a man so insubordinate, so disobedient, so bloody-minded that he decided to directly defy my orders by climbing one of the most dangerous rock faces in the world. Without a fucking goddamn rope.

Alex (who I’ll be expecting to see in detention next week) climbed up the infamous 3,000ft wall of El Capitan at Yosemite National Park, California.

Someone videoed it, and, don’t watch it, essentially. But actually don’t. It’s stupid and I hate it. He hasn’t got a rope on, he could have died, it’s shit and it makes me feel sick. I’ve had enough of it.

Here’s the video, but don’t watch it, remember:

Really, really silly that is. How in any way is that even remotely enjoyable? My mind would be a constantly skipping record: ohfuckohshitohfuckohshitohfuckohshitohfuckohshit. I would let out a tiny fart with each leg movement. I'd heave into my cheeks with every gust of wind. When I finally got to the top, if you took off my boxers, it would look like a squirrel had hidden his stash of nuts right there in the gusset.

It took him 3 hours 56 minutes. 3 HOURS 56 MINUTES. One bum-nut for every minute.

Stupid video, never watch it, disgusting.

(Image: National Geographic)