Finally! The existential study of life and death you’ve been waiting for: Warner Bros. are making a Wile E. Coyote film

That poor coyote, he never got the bird, did he? Really, really wanted to eat that bird, but never did. Really wanted to pin that damn bird down, run a sharp claw across its stomach, spilling its steaming guts onto the scorching road, and just absolutely go to town on them. But he just couldn’t. 

What did it all mean, though? Why that particular bird? Why not just wait around like the vultures and simply tear a leg off some injured roadkill? Why dedicate your life to something so futile? 

Road Runner meant a lot to old Wile E. - it was a relationship based entirely on a chase with no end - a metaphor, perhaps for modern life and dependance on the man, each other and the grand. Neither animals were anything without each other - they co-existed and both gave the other a reason to live: the coyote’s unwavering dedication to his elusive meal, and the cuckoo’s (yes, Road Runner was a cuckoo…) to preserving its life. It’s a wonderfully frustrating dichotomy and unfortunately, it says a lot about us as human beings.

We are all the coyote, and that sodding bird? It’s the goddamn world isn’t it? What’s the end goal, really? What are we chasing? Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner are metaphors of our time, it’s a sure a thing. Thankfully then, to aid our existential ruminations, we’re going to get a film about it. 

Yep, they’re bringing that useless dog up to date, and torturing him once more by plonking that speedy fowl just out of his reach. They’re going to injure that poor mutt to heck and back - slam his skull under an anvil, burn his skin off, poke him in the eye, detonate a bomb in front of his actual face and turn it into a box-office smash hit. The RSPCA will be inundated with calls. Vegans will evaporate.

The film is coming hot from director Chris McKay, of Lego Batman fame, who will finally be able to satiate his debilitating bloodlust and scratch the itch that so constantly gnaws at his spine: he will no longer have to waste effort with the man who dresses as a bat, he will now, after all this time, be able to hurt the dog. The scriptwriters, Jon and Josh Silberman, also make sense - they’re fresh off Always Sunny, so are a dab-hand at mean-spirited comedy and will be able to injure that mangy hound like nobody before - his torture will be relentless and excruciating. 

There’s no word on how exactly the film will pan out yet - will it be fully animated? Will it be CGI and live action? Might it simply be a static camera trained on a small, sandy box with a live coyote and bird trapped inside, while we revel and jeer in the face of one of their eventual deaths? Might be time to switch up the franchise? Gritty reboot, anyone? Maybe Wile E. will be the good guy? The beat cop just trying to do his job. Maybe.

Hopefully, it’ll follow the trend of R-Rated revamps whilst still being a kids film, opening their eyes and preparing them for adulthood, an eternity of chasing the proverbial bird down an endless highway, always pushing forward, constantly getting a big iron girder belted round the top of their heads. Cartoons are great.

Anyway, it’s a long way off, so if you need something to tide you over, we suggest reading the complete, existential pondering of Jean Paul Sartre.

(Image: Warner Bros)