Have you got yourself a little unrequited crush on the go? A severe case of pining from afar? A bit of sick dribbling down your collar because you had to walk past the object of your affection at lunch? Snapped the heads of a cotton bud off and jammed them into your eyes to stem the tears?
Well, my advice is, do something about it, propellerhead. Or if you’re too scared, then put a strike through the whole sorry affair and load up Pokemon Go again.
If you do fancy being proactive, then there are many ways to go about it – both good and bad. You could politely ask them out over social media; you could do it to their face like a stone-cold boss; you could ask a friend to do it; or you could trip over in front of them and bang your mouth on the corner of the desk, biting a chunk of your tongue off and have to go to hospital – the possibilities are endless.
However, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this method before.
A young American woman named Lizzy Fenton has gone above and beyond in the wooing stakes. She has created an entire Power Point presentation detailing exactly why her crush, an innocent party called Carter, should date her.
Might as well just bang it out in full for yas:
OK, good start, I guess. Pretty simple, no reds, no knife emojis, nice photo (also without knives). 7/10 landing page, would click through.
This is where it starts to fall apart – and we’re only at the second hurdle. She’s talking about parents already – never mention the parents. If you can get married and have kids without ever meeting your other half’s parents, you’re killing it, son. She’s banging on about them already – alarm bells will be ringing for Carter at this point.
Still, her point about monogamy is great – having three different girlfriends is ace, even if one of them is Cameron Diaz from Being John Malkovich.
Here we go – she’s going straight for the jugular on this one: boys like boobs. Talk about them and most males will start to fidget, sweat, cry and/or purse their lips and make sucking sounds, like baby men. Well done, good shout, Lizzy.
Not a bad way to round out the plea, here – finiancial stability is preferable, of course, and it looks like she works as a waitress, which might mean free burgers. Top it all off with a quadrumvirate of black and white snaps, and Bob’s your creepy uncle.
SO IS THIS WEIRD OR CUTE OR WHAT.
I don’t know, because it’s probably all a joke, but it is quite funny isn’t it. What is weird is all the creeps on Twitter who are now bombarding her with messages – although I’m sure she expected it, she did put this onto the “internet”, after all.
But what did Carter think of all this? Did he sprint towards her, open-armed, mouth pursed, making sucking noises; or did he encase himself in a concrete capsule and fire himself into space?
Well:
Concrete capsule.
[Images: @LizzyFenton]
