World First: Jon Pigeon Interview

Whisper it, but ShortList.com is up for a major publishing award this year. Why? It's the access we get. Sure ShortList Magazinehas its R-Patz interviews and its Karen Gillan shoots but it's the website that's getting world first interviews with the likes of Gus The Fox and Text From Dog.

And finally, after months of negotiations, we got time with Jon Pigeon. Twitter's most confused bird. It wasn't an easy chinwag:

So where do you live, Jon?

I live in London. In the capital part. Where the trains are. Yep. And the tourists.

What’s your favourite meal?

I f*cking love food. I like soup. My favourite soup is strawberry milkshake and carrot and cider and mince and cheese and broccoli. I also need biscuits to survive. Have you got any biscuits? You said you'd have biscuits. I can't smell any.

We do. They're for later, What’s your favourite stunt?

THIS ONE!

(Jon flies a bit and lands. Maybe a foot in total. Nothing impressive. Quite basic pigeon stuff.)

FUCK YEAH! Did you See it?

Yep.

Did You?

Yes!

It was f*cking incredible.

Jon, you ever pooed on someone famous?

I shat on a man with a moustache. All men with moustaches are famous, I think. I do have lots of famous people following me though. Like Melanie Sykes. She reads the news on the television. And Maria Fowler, from Eastenders on the television. And Brian Blessed, from Strictly Dancing on the television. And Peter Dickson, he does the news on the television also. And Thomas Turgoose, although he is not actually a goose. Is that enough?

Yes.

There's probably more.

(Phone goes silent.)

I found more. Like Alan Carr, he does the news on the television.

He doesn't.

And James Max, he is an Olympics runner. And Danny Wallace, who does the news on the television. And Shappi Khorsandi, who is Welsh.

Okay Jon. What’s the stupidest thing your pigeon pal Feral Pete [pictured, left] has ever said?

He once told me he had found Spain on a map, but showed me a chicken nugget on a napkin. He doesn't always know what he's on about. I think he swallowed glitter at an early age. Not Gary Glitter, you understand, because that would be ridiculous. Nobody has ever swallowed Gary Glitter have they? He is not too stupid though. For example, it was Feral Pete who first discovered that it is f*cking impossible to laugh and run at the same time

You invented a law that Tuesday had to be renamed. What are we calling it?

I suggested BINDAY because I hear pensioners saying IS IT BINDAY ON TUESDAY? But I got told that BINDAY IS LOTS OF DAYS by the internet people. So I have redecided to name it ANDTHEN. Yep. Will make the week go quicker. MONDAY ANDTHEN WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY.

Are you jealous of chunky, healthy looking wood pigeons?

Are you jealous of fat people? I'm not. Unless it means they are getting free NHS biscuits from the local doctor. Is that how it works? I like biscuits. You do know that wood pigeons are not made of wood don't you? I've warned them that one day someone will try and put them in a fireplace when the world runs out of trees, the logical step is to move onto all the other things that are wood.

I see. When you peck at discarded fried chicken bones do you ever consider that you are eating a bird and that you’re, y’know, also a bird?

What? Where are the chicken bones? I don't think pigeons can eat chicken. We eat KFC. which is made of KFC. or occasionally Chicken Cottage, made of cottage. But I don't think we'd eat an ACTUAL f*cking chicken.

Is Trafalgar Square considered a pigeon party or more like pigeon hell?

The pigeons who live at Trafalgar Square went there in the 1980's because they thought they could get free food. Now they have to do tricks for the tourists. Sad really.

Who do you hang around with?

Feral Pete. He's a f*cking pigeon. Me and him are like best pigeon mates.

Do you eat chewing gum? I see a lot of pigeons pecking at gum

I ate some Hubba Bubba once. Pink. I shat and spent a bit of time pretending like I was a sort of hot air balloon pigeon. In grey.

What’s your favourite London attraction?

The pensioners. They get everywhere. It's like they're allowed to roam wild. I wonder if anyone has ever counted how many pensioners there are in London?

Do you ever leave the UK? Fly south for winter, for example?

I do. I went to Brixton once. We had to go over the river for that. They have bananas there called plantains. And the music is all sort of slow.

Finally, kids chase you a lot right? Is that annoying?

Listen, when a toddler chases you, if you run in a figure of eight, they fall over. Toddlers are not annoying, they're stupid. They can't even do stairs. Where's my biscuit...?

Image: Rex