Ben & Jerry's are giving out free ice cream tomorrow

I love Ben & Jerry’s ice cream (either Phish Food or Peanut Butter Cup is the best, no arguments, fight me, etc), so the news that they’ll be handing out free scoops tomorrow was music to my fat, fat (so, so fat) ears.

Friendly old Ben and chirpy little Jerry are doing this because it’s International Free Cone Day tomorrow. No, me neither, but I couldn’t give less of a shit if it was humanly possible about why I’m getting it, as long as I’m getting it. When there’s free scoops involved, you can get the actual hell out of my way before I knock you down in my ice-cream-fueled wake (which coincidentally, is what I want to occur just after my funeral).

A spokesperson – who I assume must be Ben or Jerry, as I refuse to believe that the company employs more than two people – says of the promotion:

“Every time you enjoy a scoop of Ben & Jerry’s, you’re showing us how much you care. We love you too, and Free Cone Day is our favourite way to show it!”

Turns out they’ve been doing these days since 1979, and I’ll be honest here, I’ve just ripped off my boxers in disgust – why was I not made aware of this? Things are gonna change this year, buster.

To claim what’s rightfully yours, you’ll have to find your nearest Ben & Jerry’s Scoop Shop (again, me neither). To do this, head on over to their website here, and pop in your postcode – it’ll tell you the nearest location to pick some up, which will more than likely be a cinema.

Unfortunately, because God isn’t real, you’ll only be allowed one scoop each time, but you’ll have the choice of a number of flavours (Phish Food or Peanut Butter Cup, obviously, seriously, literally fight me). However, there’s no limit on how many times you want to queue, so if you often take four hour lunch breaks, then enjoy your two scoops, big man.

The ice cream window will be open from 12pm until 8pm tomorrow (4 April), and if I see you down there, do not talk to me, do not look at me and leave at least a 50cm gap between your body and mine in the queue – ice cream is a serious business and I don’t mess about with it. And if you see me drop my cone after ordering it because I’m too excited, evacuate the building immediately because I will explode with the rage of a thousand atomic hell fires.

I imagine my reaction panning out something along these lines: